Careless Texter
by GhostOfBambi
Summary: Alternate Universe. Answer to the prompt, "I left my phone number on the bathroom stall wall and you text me about your day and your frustrations for a month & it's really nice and cute but I still don't know who you are," with some twists and differences.
1. J and P

**Author's Note:** Have another story because I'm not already killing myself enough. Any mobile numbers you see are nonexistent. I know this because I checked first.

This was meant to be a 5000 word oneshot when I originally planned it, which just goes to show that I have no self-control. After I hit 18,000 words on my third day of writing it, I realised that it had gone too far for me to reign it in to one chapter.

Credit for James Potter's unique texting style goes, as always, to cgner.

 **Chapter One: J and P**

 **Text** **Received from:** +447860 681811 (Unknown)

 **Sent to:** +447561 084351, on Tuesday, 16th January 2018 at 6:36pm

...

 **Unknown:** hi there  
i hope you're having a pleasant evening this fine january

 **+447561 084351:** Sorry, who is this?

 **Unknown:** i just thought i'd let you know that this morning i found this number written on the wall in the library at school  
it said to call you for a good time

 **+447561 084351:** EXCUSE ME?  
How DARE you?!  
Are you fucking kidding me? Who is this?  
If this is Terry Heaney I SWEAR I'll tell Dumbledore what you did with my shoe.

 **Unknown:** no wait  
i'm not terry heaney  
but let's return to that later

 **+447561 084351:** I can have you suspended for sexual harassment, you know!

 **Unknown:** no no no no wait wait wait!  
i'm not looking for a good time!  
i mean i am but that's more of a general statement about living life to the funnest  
please don't have me suspended my mum will kill me

 **+447561 084351:** Don't you mean 'fullest?'

 **Unknown:** no i meant funnest  
i just wanted you to know someone had put your number there that's all i promise  
i know i'd want to know if one of my friends was a betraying snake  
unless you put it there yourself  
i mean no judgement  
what you do on your own time is your business

 **+447561 084351:** Of course I didn't write my number on the wall!  
As if I'd ever choose to spend an otherwise lovely Tuesday evening warding off creepy stalkers who feel entitled to ask me for a 'good time.'

 **Unknown:** i'll ignore the insult since i can tell you're upset  
also i very kindly scribbled out the number  
also they didn't even put your name next to it so it's fine  
who is this by the way?

 **+447561 084351:** That's none of your business.

 **Unknown:** well fine then  
goodbye to you too

* * *

"She was horrible," said James Potter, in disgust.

"Who?"

"Wall person."

"What do you mean?"

"She basically took my head off," he expounded, and cast his phone aside as if it had bitten his finger. It landed on his duvet with a satisfying bounce, leaving James's hand free to ruffle his perpetually untidy hair. "All I did was warn her."

"So she's an arsehole. Probably why her number was on the wall in the first place."

"That doesn't mean she deserved it."

"Maybe, maybe not," said Sirius. "But it explains why someone would put it there."

He yawned, stretching out across the floor while his head lolled sideways against the balled-up hoodie he was using as a pillow, the ends of his long, sleek black hair providing a sharp contrast to the plush, snow white carpet. For Sirius Black, most afternoons were spent napping on James's bedroom floor, owing to a combination of crippling insomnia and a fraught home life which generally prevented him from sleeping in his own room at his parents' house. James normally didn't mind allowing his best friend a few hours of rest, and neither did his mother, who insisted upon giving Sirius mugs of warm milk and cinnamon to 'help him study.'

Today, however, James was annoyed and wanting attention, having been placed on the receiving end of a burst of anger he didn't deserve, from a girl he didn't know, and for what he felt was an act of kindness on his part. He hadn't been obligated to warn Wall Person that she was being billed as a lady of the night in the European History section of the library, but had felt honour-bound to do so. The least she could have done was act a bit bloody grateful.

He peeled off one of his socks, rolled it up and tossed it at Sirius's head.

"What the fuck was that for?" said Sirius, when the sock bounced off his nose.

"That girl pissed me off."

"Did she tell you her name?"

"No."

"Does she know who you are?"

"No?"

"Then send her a picture of your knob," Sirius suggested, with a cold smile for the ceiling. He had a macabre sense of humour at times. "That'll teach her a lesson."

"No!" James cried.

"Thought you loved teaching lessons?"

"I do, but I'm not a monster."

James's mother, Euphemia, often warned him that, though she would stand by his side if he ever committed a murder, sending an unsolicited photo of his genitals to a girl's phone was grounds for instant abandonment. She'd also threatened to have his cat rehomed if he didn't learn about periods, and as a result, he had a rather thorough knowledge of the menstrual cycle, for which he had at least expected the cat to be grateful, but much like Wall Person, Algernon didn't give a shit.

Life was often rather unfair, when James discounted the fact that he was wealthy, popular, handsome, academically gifted, and good at most sports. He had his fair share of problems despite what seemed like a charmed existence – unrequited love, a complete lack of any discernible facial hair even though he was two months away from turning seventeen, a cat who refused to run errands for him, a close friend who consistently outperformed him on board game night, and unrequited love, which bore mentioning twice because that was the worst of his problems, and nobody understood his pain.

"I know you're not packing much," said Sirius. "But you can still—"

"Bugger off," said James irritably. He was packing plenty. Or enough. Just enough. Average, surely. "Being an honourable person isn't a stand-in for a tiny knob."

Sirius snorted. _"Honourable."_

"If Lily Evans had been Wall Person—"

"Any fucking excuse to mention _Evans—"_

"But if she _had_ been Evans," James continued, thinking of the object of his unreturned affections, a smart, vivacious redhead with emerald green eyes and the prettiest smile he had ever seen. "She wouldn't have snapped at me. She would have appreciated my gallantry."

"I wish you wouldn't talk like a knight of the fucking round table."

"I wish you weren't so desperate to see me take my dick out."

"You know me," said Sirius lazily. "Always game for a laugh."

"Maybe she'll apologise tomorrow, after she sees the wall."

"Christ, would you shut up about it already?"

"Why?"

I put up without enough of your whinging about Evans without listening to you go on about this bird, too."

"I'll shut up when you stop being a boring arsehole and wake up."

"Fine," Sirius growled, and pushed himself up with his elbows. "Xbox?"

"Xbox," James agreed.

And that, for one day at least, was the end of that.

* * *

"It's so obvious that Helena did this," said Mary darkly.

Lily Evans scowled at the wall, and fought against the urge to lick her thumb and rub away what remained of her phone number. The wall was probably filthy, and Helena Hodge wasn't worth the fungal infection that might come with it.

She had been itching to come to the library and take a look at her number all morning, but unwilling to let herself be spotted by the school populace in case anyone figured out that the number belonged to her, so she'd cried off with 'a woman problem' during chemistry and taken Mary Macdonald with her for 'support.' Slughorn was an easy teacher to manipulate when one had the need of it, and the male population's collective fear of menstruation did have its uses at times.

Strangely, the person who had texted Lily to notify her of her number's appearance in the library had only scribbled out five digits, but had done so with gusto. There wasn't a chance that anyone would see what had been written beneath, for which, she supposed, she should have been grateful, even if Mystery Texter _had_ implied that Lily had put it there herself.

"Of course it was Helena," she agreed, with a sigh.

"At least she didn't write your name."

"Why would she? She's so convinced that Potter fancies me—"

"Which he does."

"Shut up."

"But I'm right though?"

"It doesn't matter, the point is that if he _did_ fancy me—"

"Again, he does."

"No, he doesn't," Lily countered, with an accompanying blush to mar her pale cheeks and give the game away. "But if he did and she was right, why would she advertise my number to him _,_ when she could advertise it _solely_ to the truly vile and desperate?"

"All teenage boys are vile and desperate."

"James Potter isn't like that."

"You _think_ James Potter isn't like that because you'd happily let him call you up for a good time."

Lily would have retorted with some fact to disprove Mary's theory, but she actually didn't know Potter that well, but for a small handful of surface interactions that she would have forgotten had they not involved him – such as the time they wound up sitting next to one another at the Year 11 award ceremony, or the time he'd tapped her on the shoulder to tell her that her schoolbag was unzipped. Such brief, unimportant moments could hardly provide Lily with the baseline data to concoct a reasonable assessment of his character, but she would often contest that he was one of those people who gave off a good impression.

This was, in some tiny part, because he was hot, but also because Lily fancied herself to be a good judge of people, which was what she used as an excuse to ward off accusations of favouring Potter because she was attracted to him. She may have been a teenage girl with hormones and urges, but she wasn't illogical.

It was mostly because he was hot, really.

"Let's get out of here," she told Mary, and slipped her hand through the crook of her friend's elbow. "Before anyone sees us."

They left the library, much as they had found it, silent and empty, and headed north along a narrow corridor which lead to the girls' toilets, where they would usually hide on the rare occasion that they skived off class. Such instances were usually reserved for big, emotional disasters because Lily was against ditching classes as a rule, but chemistry was one of her best subjects, and a slight on her honour was something she took quite seriously.

"I guess I'll have to apologise to mystery texter," she said, as they strolled. "I might have snapped at him a little."

"How do you know it's a guy?"

"I dunno, it just seemed like a boy."

"You could apologise, I suppose."

"I should, really."

"Or instead, you could claim moral superiority and never be wrong about anything in your whole life."

"That's also an option."

"Atta girl," said Mary sweetly. "Let's sneak outside and get chips."

And that was the end of that.

Until later.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** +447860 681811 (Unknown)

 **Sent to:** +447561 084351, on Wednesday, 17th January 2018 at 7:13pm

...

 **Unknown:** so did you see the wall today?  
and more importantly how i scribbled your number out?  
i mean you don't have to thank me but it would be nice to be appreciated for my heroism  
again please don't get me suspended i swear it wasn't me

 **+447561 084351:** I saw the wall.  
Thank you for blacking out half of my number?

 **Unknown:** that was so you'd know to believe me

 **+447561 084351:** Was it also you who wrote 'rude!' next to it in red pen?

 **Unknown:** yes  
manners cost nothing

 **+447561 084351:** Well, thank you, I suppose.  
I'm sorry for having a go at you yesterday.

 **Unknown:** apology accepted  
did you find out who did it

 **+447561 084351:** No, but I'm pretty sure I know who it was.

 **Unknown:** ooh who tell me tell me  
i love gossip

 **+447561 084351:** Lol okay, Kim Kardashian.

 **Unknown:** i hate that i know who that is  
but not that kind of gossip  
tell me tell me tell me

 **+447561 084351:** I'm not telling you. You might know the person. You might be allied with the person. You might BE the person.

 **Unknown:** firstly, how can i be allied with anyone we're not at war  
also why would i write your number on the wall then scribble it out then text you to tell you about it  
that seems like a waste of time  
if you won't tell me who tell me why  
you can do that without naming names  
i'm invested now so you have to tell me something  
my mate and i have a bet going

 **+447561 084351:** Wow.

 **Unknown:** i get that reaction a lot  
people are very impressed by me

 **+447561 084351:** No, I mean, you have a bet going? Wtf?  
Is that supposed to make me tell you, knowing that you've basically turned my personal life into some sort of game?

 **Unknown:** no no wait!  
it's just a bet to see if we can guess their motives

 **+447561 084351:** And what's your theory?

 **Unknown:** that you killed their father when they were very young  
since then, phantom scribbler has been waiting for their chance to seek vengeance

 **+447561 084351:** That's a pretty vanilla way to seek vengeance for a dead parent.

 **Unknown:** i didn't say they were all that imaginative

 **+447561 084351:** Well, you're wrong.  
If it is who I think it is, she did it because she thinks the guy she fancies has a crush on me, and blames me for it, and is generally a dick about it.  
To my face AND behind my back.

 **Unknown:** does he fancy you?

 **+447561 084351:** Um, no?  
I don't know?  
What am I supposed to do, ask him and rub it in her face if he says yes?

 **Unknown:** that's exactly what you do  
even if he doesn't fancy you he probably will if you ask him  
guys like it when girls are direct

 **+447561 084351:** What makes you so sure that I'm a girl?  
And how would you know that, anyway?

 **Unknown:** lucky guess  
also because i'm a boy and i like it when girls are direct

 **+447561 084351:** Do you get a lot of girls propositioning you directly?

 **Unknown:** actually i'm going through a tunnel right now so whooooooooosh  
your message was not delivered

 **+447561 084351:** Hahaha!  
Well, this was an unexpectedly amusing way to spend ten minutes, I guess. Thanks?

 **Unknown:** yeah it was  
we should do it again sometime  
that really sounded like i was trying to flirt with you i promise i wasn't

 **+447561 084351:** Haha, who is this again?  
You never told me.  
No, wait, don't tell me! I bet I can guess.

 **Unknown:** i bet i can guess who you are before you guess who i am  
i'm dead good at guessing

 **+447561 084351:** Wow, such confidence.

 **Unknown:** none of it unfounded  
prepare to lose

 **+447561 084351:** Boy, you have no idea who you're dealing with.

 **Unknown:** you're right i don't  
but i will soon  
and you will find yourself sorely defeated

 **+447561 084351:** Okay, well, here's an idea.  
Since you're so convinced you've got me beaten already.  
Wait, before that, I assume you actually go to Hogwarts and aren't just some janitor hanging around the school and reading the walls, right?

 **Unknown:** that sounds fun  
but no i'm a student

 **+447561 084351:** Fun?!  
What year are you in?

 **Unknown:** 12

 **+447561 084351:** Same.  
Okay, so, I'll agree to a contest if you agree that any guesses must be made in person. You have to actually walk up to the person in real life and ask them to their face, because as it stands you could just cycle through a bunch of names until you find the right one and I have to admit to being me.  
Also, guessing in person means you can't guess until you're sure.  
Otherwise, you'll just embarrass yourself.

 **Unknown:** deal  
luckily i am a master detective aka sherlock holmes so this will be easy  
but i need to be able to call you something now so we should give ourselves codenames

 **+447561 084351:** Okay.

 **Unknown:** you can call me THE COMMODORE

 **+447561 084351:** I'm not calling you the Commodore.

 **Unknown:** no it's THE COMMODORE

 **+447561 084351:** So your complete aversion to capital letters ends with a nickname?

 **Unknown:** THE COMMODORE moves to the beat of his own drum

 **+447561 084351:** Okay, well, there's absolutely no way in hell that I'm calling you THE COMMODORE  
You can call me Jane Doe.  
You know, like an unidentified female body.

 **Unknown:** so you ARE a girl?

 **+447561 084351:** Guilty as charged.

 **Unknown:** alright  
then you can call me prongs

 **+447561 084351:** Prongs?

 **Unknown:** yeah because  
doe a deer  
a female deer  
boy deers are stags  
stags have prongs

 **+447561 084351:** They're not called prongs, though, they're called antlers.

 **Unknown:** well you can't call me antlers  
that's just madness

 **+447561 084351:** Haha, okay.  
Prongs it is, then.


	2. Hostile Takeover

**Author's Notes:** Thank you for the lovely reaction to this story so far!

Lily's butterfly exhibit experience is directly ripped from my life. Much like her, I am never going to recover from it.

 **Chapter Two: Hostile Takeover**

Lily didn't get around to telling Mary about Prongs, in part because their arrangement sounded incredibly weird when voiced aloud, but mostly because there was no detective more stalwart than a best friend with a social media presence, and Lily wanted to win by herself.

The difficulty in this, she realised, lay in investigating any clues he might give her without immediately giving herself away. If she started asking questions at school, she ran a huge risk of alerting someone who knew him well enough to tell him about it, or failing that, accidentally asking Prongs himself, which was the worst imaginable scenario. She had a feeling that he'd be smug in victory, especially if she made a stupid mistake so early on, and her pride wouldn't be able to bear such a blow.

With her classmates proving such a hazardous resource, she decided that she'd be better placed in getting him to slip up mid-conversation, though she was hopeful that a better plan would present itself in time.

Lily had already made some progress, though. She knew he wasn't Terry Heaney, nor was he her former best friend, Severus Snape, to whom she no longer spoke, and whose number she had blocked. She had briefly considered that he may have been Severus with a new number, but quickly discarded that theory. She knew Sev's texting style well, and Prongs couldn't have been more different.

He was funny, for one thing. Severus could be witty, but in a cold, mean sort of way. He wasn't funny. He never had been.

There was something about Prongs that made him likeable - an instantaneous, unintentional sincerity to which Lily had warmed, and quickly, during their second conversation. His apparent lack of creepiness was refreshing, considering he was a boy, and considering that Lily couldn't even play Words With Friends without some random bloke trying to interest her in his dick under the pretence of challenging her to a game. Prongs didn't appear to have an ulterior motive. He seemed entirely harmless, and rather charming, and the mystery surrounding his existence made school that bit more interesting.

"Why do you keep doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Looking around like you're waiting for someone," Mary clarified, on a Thursday morning before assembly, just over a week after Lily and Prongs had agreed upon their little wager. They hadn't spoken since, but Lily had accepted that another conversation was necessary to help her narrow down her search, and soon. "You've been doing it for days."

"I'm not waiting for anyone."

Her friend leaned forward in her seat and inclined her head towards the chair to Lily's left, which had been occupied her schoolbag. "Who are you saving that for?"

"Nobody, I just didn't want Lacey to sit there and talk on and on about Nick Crabtree while I was trying to concentrate."

"Concentrate on what?"

"On McGonagall."

"McGonagall and..."

"Get off my case," said Lily irritably, and tugged at the end of her ponytail. She'd told Mary that she'd never bothered to apologise to her mystery texter, and Mary had taken it and let it go, consigning the dramatic events of the slut-shaming wall-scrawl to memory, where it would lie dormant for years until it was inevitably dragged up during a late-night spate of 'do you remembers' after one too many drinks.

She was pretty certain that Mary didn't have a clue about the contest, which was fine, but Lily's heightened awareness of other people had, inevitably, brought her friend to another conclusion regarding her behaviour, one that was only halfway incorrect.

"You can admit that you're saving it for Potter—"

"I'm not—"

"There he is now," said Mary, pointing towards the door, and sure enough, there Potter was, his just-been-electrified black hair and lean, bespectacled face clearly visible in the small crowd of students who were still finding their seats, because he stood a good head taller than most people. Lily immediately looked in the opposite direction, all thoughts of Prongs flying out of her head in the wake of a minor panic.

"Could you maybe _not_ point at him?" she implored of Mary. "And be a little less obvious for once in your life? Remus saw you do that."

"He's coming over here."

"Shut up—"

"Of course he is, because he _always_ comes over—"

"I'm not saving the seat for him."

"You _so_ are—"

"If he asks if it's taken, I'm going to tell him it is, so there, you bloody—"

"You'll fold like a fucking deckchair."

"I will _not."_

"Liars, liars everywhere, and not a—"

"Is this seat taken?" said Potter.

Lily looked up at him – really, he was almost _too_ tall at this stage, so much so that she'd need to stretch up on her toes if she ever kissed him, or maybe he'd lean down, he seemed like the kind of guy who'd be sweet enough to do that – managed not to blush, and moved her schoolbag. "Sure."

 _Sure._ A word that didn't even answer his question, because he'd asked if it was taken, not if he could have it, and this was great, she was a total idiot.

"Thanks," said Potter, who didn't seem to notice that she was an affront to the English language. He dropped into the chair with a dull thud, and his friends took the three free seats to his left. She could feel Mary smirking beside her, which didn't help matters at all.

Mary knew that Lily had chosen to sit in an empty row specifically because Potter and his mates were joined at the hip and needed the space, and the reason Mary knew it – despite many denials on Lily's part – was because Lily did it every single day. Assembly was a daily occurrence at Hogwarts, usually lasting thirty minutes but occasionally stretching for hours when some special event was being held, and by some stroke of luck, or skill on her part, Lily could usually swing it that she wound up sitting next to him. In fact, rare was the occasion that they _didn't_ sit together or reasonably close to it. She often wondered if she had somehow conditioned him to subconsciously seek her out.

That, all things considered, may have been the reason why Helena Hodge had been moved to get revenge. Lily would have been proud of herself for her consistent track record, if it hadn't been the hallmark of a particularly sad sort of desperation. She never even spoke to him, just sat there, determinedly avoiding his eye and enjoying the way he smelled, which was always rather fresh and lovely because he didn't douse himself in liberal amounts of pungent aftershave, like other boys in their year.

Potter was always clean and put-together, and his hair always looked so soft and fluffy because he didn't use product in it, and he dressed really nicely on non-uniform days. Somebody was raising him the right way.

There were still five minutes until assembly started, which posed a myriad of opportunities for her to start an actual conversation with him – trouble was, she never knew how to start, and she knew she'd make things awkward. The only thing she really knew about him was that he liked swimming and football because he was on both school teams, but her ignorance of both sports made discussing them almost impossible.

"Why have you gone all red?" said Mary loudly.

One day, Lily thought, she'd quite like to commit the perfect murder. She reckoned she could do it, too. What she lacked in physical strength, she made up for in brains - unless, of course, she had to talk to a guy she fancied, at which point she became a mute and artless mess.

"I haven't gone all red," she protested, and naturally felt herself blush. If the upside to being ginger was really, really fantastic hair, the downside was a propensity to glow as bright as Rudolph's nose at the drop of a hat.

"Are you thirsty?"

"No."

"You're thirsty."

"I'm not—"

"Potter?" said Mary, even louder still. "Can Lily have some of your water?"

While her insides squirmed like so many snakes in a cavernous pit, Lily turned a pair of guilty eyes on Potter and found him blinking at her in some surprise, his hand poised to lift a plastic bottle of water to his lips.

"Of course," he said, and handed it over.

Now she had no choice but to take it without touching his hand because she didn't know how to touch his hand on purpose without making her intent obvious, so she dove to the opposite end of the scale and wound up pinching the neck between her thumb and forefinger.

"Thanks," she said, then realised that she had to take a mouthful if she didn't want to look like a lunatic, so she did.

"Better?" he said.

"Better," she agreed, and held the bottle out to him. "Here."

"You can keep it if you want—"

"No, honestly—"

"I always carry a couple for football and—"

"No, please," Lily insisted, and practically forced the bottle into his hands. "I insist."

I insist? What was she, a lady of the manor?

"Okay," Potter agreed. Instead of drinking it, which at some point had obviously been his intention, he screwed the lid back on the bottle and placed it - very, very carefully - inside his schoolbag, and it occurred to Lily that he probably asked her to keep it because he didn't want to share her germs. It was still flu season, and she was highly susceptible to colds. Not that Potter would know that.

The whole thing was an awful mess, and Lily - who possessed a reasonable amount of confidence and couldn't claim to be overly self-conscious on a day-to-day basis - would have been perfectly happy to pull her coat over her head and spend the rest of the day cocooned within its dark folds.

Her phone vibrated in the pocket of her blazer, and she surreptitiously slid it out to take a look, concealing it from view with her sleeve, lest a teacher see and confiscate it. Phones were strictly prohibited at Hogwarts, except for break and lunchtime.

Mary's text was one, simple word. _Pitiful._

Good old Mary, always there with an armful of salt for Lily's wounds. She had been right not to tell her about Prongs. Absolutely right.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Jane Doe

 **Sent to:** Prongs, on Thursday, 25th January 2018 at 8:02pm

...

 **Jane Doe:** Hey.

 **Prongs:** hey!

 **Jane Doe:** Guessed who I am yet?

 **Prongs:** you would know if i had because you'd be crying over your defeat by now  
guessed who i am?

 **Jane Doe:** I'm taking my time with it.  
I plan on getting it right on the first try.

 **Prongs:** so that's why you're texting me? recon?

 **Jane Doe:** That, and I've finished my homework and I'm bored.

 **Prongs:** i haven't done my homework and i'm also dead bored

 **Jane Doe:** Do your homework, then.

 **Prongs:** or  
similarly  
i could talk to you

 **Jane Doe:** Similarly?

 **Prongs:** i'm sure you have wisdom to share  
i think my cat is plotting against me you know  
he keeps giving me these looks  
it's like he's waiting for me to do something

 **Jane Doe:** Like punctuate a sentence?

 **Prongs:** i was thinking more along the lines of die or fetch him some bacon, but you could be on to something  
do cats care about grammar?

 **Jane Doe:** I think a cat would be more likely to care about grammar than any other kind of animal.  
Dogs don't give a shit, do they?

 **Prongs:** they just want to be walked  
and hump legs  
and sniff arseholes  
wow, dogs are perverts

 **Jane Doe:** Maybe a horse? No.  
I think it's just cats.  
Definitely NOT frogs.

 **Prongs:** what about frogs?

 **Jane Doe:** Frogs are immigrant-hating UKIP cretins.  
You can tell by their faces. The way they just blandly stare at you with their big wide mouths.  
Thinking horrible things.  
Especially when you're walking through what you THINK is a butterfly exhibit in London and suddenly there's a big fucking FROG staring at you from a glass case, that wasn't advertised anywhere so you find yourself paralysed with fear because you were horribly mislead.

 **Prongs:** wow  
that's a really strong opinion about frogs

 **Jane Doe:** What's your cat's name?  
No wait, don't tell me.  
We should have some ground rules for texting so that neither of us give ourselves away.  
Though first off, are you an immigrant-hating UKIP cretin?  
Because if so I really can't do this.

 **Prongs:** i hate rules  
also no? is anyone our age?

 **Jane Doe:** Okay great, so, rules.

 **Prongs:** i just said i hate rules

 **Jane Doe:** I know, I'm ignoring you.  
Rule 1 is no names. That includes ourselves (obviously), our pets, our families, and people we know.

 **Prongs:** what if something happens at school that everyone knows about  
like if mcgonagall raps the lyrics to ice ice baby in assembly instead of reading the announcements  
unless you are mcgonagall if so wtf mcgonagall stop texting teenage boys

 **Jane Doe:** If that ever happened it would be AMAZING and we could definitely laugh about it together, but otherwise, no names.  
Or we can use more codenames.  
Obviously I am not McGonagall.

 **Prongs:** that's sort of a shame actually  
i'd love to be mates with mcgonagall

 **Jane Doe:** Rule 2 is no school specifics.  
So for example.  
If you're out sick you can't say 'I'm out sick' because then I could just check and I'd know.  
And we can't talk about our classes or teachers because again, the other could check.  
I guess we can talk about home stuff because if I knew you well enough to know anything about your life, I'd already have your number.

 **Prongs:** are you sure you're not mcgonagall?  
you seem to love rules as much as she does

 **Jane Doe:** If you're going to do something, do it right.

 **Prongs:** i don't think there's a precedent for what we're doing

 **Jane Doe:** Have you told any of your mates about this?  
That we're having a contest, I mean.  
Is it a contest? I don't know.

 **Prongs:** i think it should be and i think there should be a prize when i win  
i haven't yet, didn't know if i should

 **Jane Doe:** Maybe we shouldn't. They might get involved.  
Also I don't think it's fair if either of us have help.

 **Prongs:** my mates would definitely get involved  
as i am the centre of their world  
like the sun

 **Jane Doe:** Yeah okay, your majesty.  
So we're agreed? No friends?

 **Prongs:** agreed

 **Jane Doe:** Cool.  
Go do your homework.

 **Prongs:** now who's her majesty?

* * *

James Potter knew, in his heart of hearts, that Lily Evans was the only woman for him.

Unfortunately, she was highly likely to remain unaware of their compatibility, because not only was James certain of her status as The One, he was also a coward. And an idiot. And stalking her during daily assembly.

Actually, he wasn't sure if it was true stalking, but plopping into the seat next to her like an ungainly, long-limbed tree whenever he could - while she politely trained her gaze on anything but him and Macdonald threw him smug, knowing glances - wasn't the behaviour of a stable person, and while he kept telling himself he'd stop today, tomorrow, next week, next month, he never did, bested by his own addiction, and the simple happiness that was to be gained by being close to her.

It wasn't _real_ creeper behaviour, though. He had never followed her home or broken into her house. He'd sniffed her hair once, but that was because he tripped in the hallway, and she had been really sweet about the accidental bottom-graze. He had even thrown the water bottle she'd sipped from into the rubbish bin, feeling that it would be disturbing if he held on to a scrap of her DNA. It was fine. He had everything under control. Mostly.

He was afraid to wish her a happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Two words, simple and direct, but he couldn't bring himself to say them. They refused to escape the tangle that became of his tongue whenever he caught sight of her. Two completely inoffensive words, but perhaps Lily would wonder how he knew her date of birth, and grow suspicious, and before he knew it, James would be suspended from school for being a prowler and his mother would make good on her threat to commission one hundred individually wrapped condoms with his grinning face on the packet and hand them out as party favours at _his_ next birthday.

"You're exaggerating," said Remus, when consulted for advice over lunch. "Why would she be suspicious when her birthday was announced this morning? Also, your mother isn't going to do that."

Remus was so naive, sometimes. Euphemia Potter did not make idle threats. She had already shown James a prototype.

He may, however, have been correct about the morning announcements. Every student in Hogwarts had their birthday announced during assembly unless they decided against it at the beginning of the year. The source of James's knowledge would be no mystery to her, but he suspected she'd find it strange if he sought her out just to say, "Happy birthday, Evans," then inevitably gargle something incomprehensible and stupid that would make her frown slightly, then suddenly remember an urgent engagement elsewhere.

It was a painful situation all round. James rarely spoke sense around her. Anything he ever said to her sounded forced, which was particularly grating because he was _good_ at talking. His father often said that he had never met an awkward silence he couldn't fill. James was so good at talking, in fact, he had even gotten Wall Person - or as she was now known, Jane Doe – to warm up to him, and found in her a potential new friend.

Jane seemed like a good sort, and clever, too. She was the kind of person, perhaps, from whom James could one day seek advice regarding Evans – not that he wanted a female friend _solely_ for that reason, but it would be nice to get a girl's perspective on his romantic woes. He was sure there was something he could do for her in return for her counsel – find her tickets for a better butterfly exhibit, maybe, once he uncovered her identity. He had a small handful of theories based on the girls he knew who were cool, but mostly he pictured her with Lily's face, which was an admittedly terrible idea. Wishful thinking was not the way to begin a serious investigation, such as the one James was undertaking.

He wished he could talk to Evans as easily as he could speak to Jane, but that was a dream that couldn't come true.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Prongs

 **Sent to:** Jane Doe, on Tuesday, 30th January 2018 at 7:56pm

...

 **Prongs:** yo wall person what up  
look at me  
sliding into your dms

okay i just looked up what sliding into dms means on google and i didn't mean that  
i'm not sliding into your dms  
jane  
jane  
jaaaaaannnnnnnneeeee  
oh god i'm really sorry i promise i'm not a creep  
i'm literally begging forgiveness  
i'm a good man i promise  
i know i vandalise walls but only to lecture the other vandals  
you can't see me but i'm on my knees in my room  
it has left me very vulnerable to an attack from the cat

 **Jane Doe:** Sorry, you needy baby, I was having dinner with my family.  
We're not allowed to have phones at the table.

 **Prongs:** oh okay good  
you're not mad  
you don't think i was sneakily trying to get nudes

 **Jane Doe:** ... what the hell?

 **Prongs:** i'm not trying to get nudes!

 **Jane Doe:** I'm going to give you one opportunity to change the subject, and if you don't, I'm going to take my phone downstairs and microwave it.

 **Prongs:** bit dramatic don't you think

 **Jane Doe:** Oh I'M the dramatic one?  
You act as if your cat is plotting a hostile takeover.

 **Prongs:** you don't know my cat  
world domination is most certainly in his repertoire

 **Jane Doe:** When he's not napping, I assume?

 **Prongs:** he does nap a lot actually

 **Jane Doe:** That's to be expected, if he's planning a coup.  
How is he supposed to succeed if he's not well rested?

 **Prongs:** what really boils my piss is that he has the time and energy to construct a world takeover plot  
but he can't be bothered to fetch snacks for me when i'm hungry  
i just asked him to bring me a bacon sandwich and he rolled his eyes

 **Jane Doe:** Why would he fetch you snacks?  
You're his owner, shouldn't you be feeding him?

 **Prongs:** but i've devoted HOURS to training him to bring me food

 **Jane Doe:** Maybe that's why he wants to kill you.

 **Prongs:** you know what  
you're probably right  
you were right about his obsession with grammar

 **Jane Doe:** What?!

 **Prongs:** what are you up to?

 **Jane Doe:** You're seriously not going to explain that?

 **Prongs:** it's all part of the mystery

 **Jane Doe:** God, you're so extra.  
I'm eating cake and watching The Crown.  
What are you doing?

 **Prongs:** cake!  
i want cake!  
can i have some cake?  
why do you have cake?

 **Jane Doe:** No special reason, I just fancied a slice.

 **Prongs:** what kind of cake is it?  
i love all sorts of cake

 **Jane Doe:** Stop saying 'cake' or you'll put me off eating it.

 **Prongs:** if i put you off, can i have it?

 **Jane Doe:** No.

 **Prongs:** you're crueller than my cat

 **Jane Doe:** How am I supposed to share my cake with you?  
I don't even know who you are.  
Why don't you send your cat to fetch it?

 **Prongs:** he'd probably take a fancy to you and move in

 **Jane Doe:** Sadly, he can't.  
My sister's allergic.

 **Prongs:** aha!  
information i can use! you've got a sister!

 **Jane Doe:** Oh no, I forgot that of the 60+ girls in our year, I'm the only one with a sister.

 **Prongs:** not just a sister  
a sister with a cat allergy

 **Jane Doe:** And how are you planning to use that information? Go around asking every girl if she has a sister with a cat allergy?  
As soon as you asked me, I'd deny it, then I'd immediately call you out and I'd win, and you'd lose.  
So by all means, feel free, but I'll be bitterly disappointed if you make this easy for me.

 **Prongs:** damn  
you're clever, aren't you?

 **Jane Doe:** I try my best.

 **Prongs:** i bet you fly through all your classes

 **Jane Doe:** I manage.

 **Prongs:** so on a scale of, say  
helena hodge to lily evans  
how smart are you?

 **Jane Doe:** Wait, which one of those two is meant to be the smart one?

 **Prongs:** helena hodge thinks the earth is flat so i don't think i have to clarify further

 **Jane Doe:** You're not worried that I might be Helena?

 **Prongs:** i am five million % sure you're not helena hodge

 **Jane Doe:** So what, your benchmark for intelligence is Lily Evans?

 **Prongs:** she's basically a genius so yeah  
but where are YOU on the scale?  
i'm asking for totally non-contest related reasons

 **Jane Doe:** Well, I guess I'd have to place myself somewhere between Couldn't Possibly Tell You and Do You Think I'm That Stupid?  
With an extra helping of chocolate and hazelnut cream cake – which is delicious, by the way.  
Pity you can't have any.

 **Prongs:** i'll crack you eventually, jane doe

 **Jane Doe:** I'd advise you to stick to realisable goals.  
Like getting a bacon sandwich from your cat.


	3. Lilies and Roses

**Chapter Three: Lilies and Roses**

To speed up the process of uncovering Jane Doe's identity, James considered letting a frog loose at school and observing which of the girls reacted in terror, but decided, on balance, that half the students at Hogwarts didn't need an excuse to run screaming from an assembly, and he'd probably endanger the frog in the ensuring stampede. Sacrificing the life of a helpless amphibian for his own gain would also paint him in a rather negative light, even if Jane did hate them.

As January bled into February, he and Jane began to speak regularly, at least a few times a week, but nothing he learned from her gave him much to go on. Like him, she was quite competitive. Unlike him, she was very guarded, and determined to win their contest the hard way – that was to say, with a lot of rules and caveats – which in turn made him try a lot harder to be mysterious. In four weeks, the only pertinent piece of information he gained was that she had a sister who she didn't like very much, if the codename Bratty McBackstab was anything to go by, but that wasn't enough. She might have had more siblings he didn't know about. The whole thing might have been a great misdirect.

On the off-chance that the universe had finally brought James and his beloved together via the medium of a library wall, he asked his mates if Evans had a sister, but none of them knew, not even Remus.

"I thought you were good for this kind of stuff?" he had accused his friend, on a Saturday evening early in the month, while they headed into town on the city bus. Sirius, the only one of the four to have turned seventeen already, selfishly couldn't be bothered to learn to drive, so they were forced to use public transport until their situation changed.

"If any of us were going to keep tabs on Lily's family," Remus reminded him. "Surely, that would be you?"

"What even is the point of you three?"

"Why, even, do you want to know if she has a sister?" Peter retorted.

"I had a dream that she had one," James lied, then shoved his headphones into his ears and listened to "Heaven is a Place on Earth" by Belinda Carlisle on repeat until Sirius lost his patience and thumped him.

None of his friends appreciated power pop from the eighties, but they really should have. James liked music he could sing along to. Everything Sirius listened to sounded like terrified screaming.

As the days went on, though, he found himself less concerned by competition and more preoccupied by the advent of Valentine's Day which, as everyone knew, was the third most romantic day of the year, right after the Royal Rumble and the first day of McDonald's Monopoly. Valentine's Day was particularly interesting at Hogwarts because the student council sold plastic roses for charity, which one could have sent to whomever they liked for the reasonable cost of £1, with an accompanying note of one's choosing.

Normally, James and Sirius pooled their resources and sent as many joke flowers as struck their fancy, but James had decided to send a proper one to Evans this year, so he spent a lot of his free time trying to come up with the perfect anonymous love message. It needed to be smooth and winning, yet charmingly self-effacing, but confident, and witty, and indicative of a depth and intelligence that she would immediately find intriguing. He asked Sirius for help, but his suggestion of 'unlike this piece of shit rose, I've got a real prick to show you' was lacking in almost every area.

Jane would have been an ideal person to ask, but if she knew Evans and saw the finished message, his game would be up. His crush on Lily wasn't exactly the best kept secret in school.

Two nights before the big day, a decision was made to consult his mother for help. James found her reposing in her bed, rubbing some sort of lotion into her arms.

"Excuse me?" she said, upon hearing his grand plan, her eyebrows travelling so high up her forehead that her face mask cracked. "What are you, a pauper?"

"What?"

 _"Real_ flowers are the only way to go when one is wooing."

"Right," said James, and sat down on the edge of her bed. "But we're at school, so—"

"So? You think they won't deliver to a school?"

"Would they?"

Euphemia gave a disparaging laugh and adjusted the neckline of her silk pyjamas. "A tasteful bouquet of fresh roses, carried into the classroom and placed in her arms while all of her friends are sitting there with their awful little plastic flowers and their jealous little faces, will make a far better impression on a young woman."

"Do you think that will wor—"

"Effort, James. It denotes effort. How much effort can it take to slip a quid and a piece of paper into the charity box?"

"I'd have to swing by the student council office tomorrow, which is pretty far out of my way."

"I didn't raise my son to be cheap."

"It's not cheap!"

"Lily's very pretty, you know."

"I know that better than anyone, thank you very much."

"She's _bound_ to get a number of those tacky roses from other boys," said Euphemia airily. "And since you're too cowardly to put your name to a gift—"

"I'm not a coward!" he protested, with an irritable jerk of the head that made his glasses slide down his nose. "I'm building up to it."

"Buy her a real bunch of flowers and you'll stand out. It'll make her feel special."

He frowned, considering this. Evans _was_ special, but he'd never really wondered if she was aware of that fact. He naturally assumed that everyone agreed with him, and it came as a great surprise when people like Sirius claimed that she was merely ordinary. "She won't think it's creepy?"

"Oh, she won't, even if she pretends to," his mother assured him. "Now, fetch me my laptop. You can thank me when you're married."

* * *

As far as her contest with Prongs was concerned, Lily's decision to implement rules was based on a desire to ensure she clinched the most satisfying victory she could wrangle.

When she won, she wanted to win thoroughly. That meant Prongs slipping up in a disastrous fashion before he ever got a chance to narrow down a list of suspects, and in the beginning, she was quite confident that she could get him to do that.

Four weeks down the line, it had become clear that – despite his distaste for capital letters and proper punctuation – Prongs was no idiot. Try as she might, Lily couldn't get him to give himself away. It was a little frustrating, but mostly not, because while she failed to make the headway she wanted in their game, she found herself quite entertained by their conversations. In fact, she sometimes had to check herself when she felt the urge to text him, just in case she went overboard and seemed too eager for his attention. Her mystery pal tended to be rather pleased with himself, and that side of his personality did not need further encouragement.

The precautions she took with Prongs were similar to the kind she would have taken if she were texting someone she fancied, except she didn't fancy Prongs. She couldn't, because for all she knew, he might have been the complete opposite of her tall, dark, bespectacled type – not that she had a type, but if she did it would be that and James Potter would embody it – she simply enjoyed him.

Still, she kept track of who initiated each conversation to ensure that she never started more than half, lest he infer the wrong thing from her enjoyment.

"Stebbins?"

"One, from Valerie. If anyone else dares send him one she'll absolutely lose her shit."

"Pinkstone?"

Lily glanced over at Camelia Pinkstone, who was examining her cuticles, her long blonde hair wound in an intricate braid around her head like a glossy, golden crown. "A million?"

"Heaney?"

"One, and we all know who from." Last year's rose from Sirius Black had instructed Terry to 'cover you naked body in hot oil and deep-fry yourself,' so everyone was quite interested to see how he would top it this year.

"Black will get loads, of course."

"More than he deserves."

"I would have sent him one," said Mary. "But come on, I'm not pathetic."

Lily giggled, but quietly. Talking in class wasn't her usual thing, but it was the last one of the day, Binns was out with the flu - she had been right about it going around - and the substitute, Ms. Carrow, seemed quite happy to pop in a movie and sit at the head of the room with her head buried in her phone, so the whole class was otherwise engaged in atypical behaviour. Potter and Black were two seats to the left ahead of Lily and Mary, playing snap, of all things, which seemed more like an excuse for them to slap each other's hands as hard as they could than an actual card game.

"I almost sent one to Potter," she whispered. "Only I hate it when his lot get roses and Black reads all the cards out loud. He's got no idea how many girls he's sent to the loo in tears."

"Or he does and he doesn't care," Mary tacked on.

"Far more likely."

"And you _did_ send one to Potter."

"What?"

"I was passing the office and thought I might as well do it for you," she said, and grinned at the look of horror that crossed Lily's face. "Don't worry, I sent it anonymously. He'll never know it was you."

"What did you say?"

"Something, something, I like your arse, something, something. I ripped it directly from one of your texts."

"I _do_ like his arse," Lily admitted, her momentary panic subsiding. "But you're still the worst."

"It's for charity!"

"Yeah, sure, you're a true humanitarian."

Five minutes later, when Tilden Toots marched into the classroom with a comically placed Cupid's nappy over his uniform and a box full of roses to distribute, Mary was proven honest. Potter got two, one of which was undoubtedly from Helena Hodge, which meant the other was likely 'her' contribution. Sirius Black got five, Camelia Pinkstone got a staggering seven, Mary got three, and Lily, to her surprise, got three also.

"This one's from you," said Mary, throwing one card down on the table while the rest of the class consulted one another on their haul in a similar fashion and Black tried to wrestle Potter's cards away from him. "This one's from Eddie Bones, and nobody's signed this one but it's obviously that creep Forsythe. What about you?"

"Did you send this one?" she asked Mary, showing her a card.

"Yup."

"And then McNamee, I think. And this one—" Spidery handwriting, and the words 'I'm sorry' written in larger script than the rest of the message. She sighed. "This was Severus."

"Gross."

"More like inappropriate," Lily added, and carefully did not look at Severus, who was sitting across from her on Mary's side. She did, however, scrunch up the card that had come with her flower and toss it on the desk. Severus could read paragraphs that didn't exist from the smallest little thing, and she didn't want to give him any kind of encouragement to follow her out of the classroom bleating his apologies. "You're lucky. At least Bones is fit."

"I honestly thought Potter would have gotten you one."

"You want to believe he fancies me more than I want to believe it," Lily reminded her.

"Well, McNamee's alright, I suppose?"

"I suppose."

"Though there _was_ that whole thing with him and Reshma Patel—"

A knock sounded at the open classroom door, and Ms. Carrow made a peculiar squawking noise, alerting Lily and Mary to the presence of a man holding one of the biggest bouquets of red roses that Lily had ever seen.

"How lovely!" cried Carrow, and practically flung her phone away in her haste to flutter her hands about like sparrows' wings. "Bring them over here!"

The delivery guy trundled over to her desk and held out the flowers. "You're Lily Evans?"

The greedy, enraptured smile on Carrow's face collapsed like a house of cards, while in the same moment the entire class took a collective breath, and Lily felt her face begin to boil.

"She's here!" Mary squealed, and poked Lily hard in the arm. "Here, here, here!"

Every pair of eyes in the room had turned on her. Every single one of them. People were murmuring. The delivery man made his way to her desk and Lily - throwing a baffled look at Mary - couldn't help but notice the enraged expression that had come over Severus Snape's pale, angular face.

No need to ask if he was behind this, then.

"Looks like you have an admirer," said the delivery man, and set the bouquet down on the desk in front of her. "I need someone to sign for these."

"I'll do it," said Mary, and reached for the pen he offered. "As you can see, my friend appears to have gone into shock."

Shock was underselling it. Lily was _stunned._

She felt as if she'd been given a short of adrenaline, restlessly excited yet quite unable to move. As far as she knew, nobody fancied her enough to do something like this. Nobody had _ever_ done something like this for her. This was the kind of thing that happened in movies, not in sixth form. It didn't even happen in sixth forms _in_ movies.

This was weird.

This was _so_ weird.

Was it some sort of prank? Was someone angling to see hope in her eyes, then laugh at her behind her back? Was she missing something obvious? Could it really be a prank? Who would spend that kind of money, just to be cruel?

She settled on a blank, wide-eyed silence. Just in case.

"There's a card!" Mary cried, pointing to a little white card that peeped at them from beneath a scarlet petal, then snatched it up herself before Lily had a chance to reach for it. "I'll read it!"

"What does it say?" said Camelia. "Read it out loud!"

"No—" Lily began, but too quietly, and Mary had already started.

 _"Dear Lily,"_ she read aloud, giggling between words. _"Though these roses aren't nearly as beautiful as you, I've found that nothing is, so please forgive my lack of imagination—"_

"Holy shit," said Camelia, forgetting herself entirely.

 _"Happy Valentine's Day, and I'll try to do better next time,"_ Mary continued, her voice getting higher and squeakier with every syllable. _"Love, your secret admirer!"_

"Holy shit," said Camelia again.

 _"LOVE!"_ Mary bellowed. "Someone's in love with you!"

Lily suddenly found herself surrounded by a bunch of girls, all of whom were talking at once, clamouring to see the card - which she eventually managed to extract from Mary's hands and read herself. Sure enough, Mary hadn't embellished one word of the message. There it was, in plain black and white, so sweet and articulate that anyone might have been forgiven for assuming that an adult, not a teenage boy, had written it.

Her eyes travelled up of their own accord and found James Potter's - snapped on to them as if she could sense him watching her - and he stared resolutely back, and the telltale bob of his Adam's apple told her that he'd just swallowed air, and for one particularly wild moment she abandoned common sense entirely and thought, _you did this_. _You._

"—and so romantic," Alice Parker was saying, and nudged Lily's arm as she reached over to finger the card, which brought her back to the present, where grand assumptions based on hope were not made welcome. "Do you have any idea who sent them?"

"Um," said Lily.

"I have a theory," said Mary smoothly.

"I'm sure they don't _really_ love me," Lily quickly interjected. "It's just a figure of speech, right?"

"Why say it if you don't mean it?" said Camelia.

"You must be _thrilled."_

"I don't — I mean, yes, they're lovely," she admitted, and smiled in spite of herself. "But I've got no idea who —"

"You're so lucky. My boyfriend _never_ gets me anything like this," Valerie Turpin whined, no doubt glaring at Stebbins on the other side of the room.

"I hope you find out who he is."

"I hope he sends—"

"Okay, that's enough!" said Ms. Carrow sharply, her earlier lethargy apparently forgotten in the wake of having embarrassed herself. She rapped sharply on the desk. "Don't you all have study to catch up on?"

Her sudden snappishness sent the girls scurrying back to their seats, and effectively cowed the room for the rest of class, though Lily spotted several heads turning in her direction on more than one occasion. By the time the bell rang to signify the end of both class and school day, she had her things in hand and was ready to run, shooting out of the door ahead of everyone else.

Of course, she still had to wait for Mary, which made her dash for freedom a little pointless.

"I know who sent that!" she yelled at Lily as soon as she got out, bouncing up and down on her toes. "I knew it! I _knew_ he'd come through!"

"Mary, you've got no proof—"

"Potter!" she cried, pointing at James, who had just left the classroom with Black at his side, his backpack hanging lazily off one shoulder.

"What?" Potter replied. He looked extremely uncomfortable, like he had a stomachache.

"Mary," said Lily urgently. "Don't—"

"You sent her those flowers, didn't you?" said Mary bluntly, and pointed at the bouquet in Lily's arms.

His normally beautiful features twisted in revulsion. "No!"

"You're such a liar," Mary countered. "Like it's not obvious that—"

"You're nuts, Macdonald."

"I think you'll find I'm perfectly—"

"Why the hell would I want to send _her—"_

"Wow," Lily interrupted, loudly. _Her._ As if the idea of liking her was so offensive. As if nobody could be less appealing. That one was going to stick for a while. "Thanks a lot, James. I know I'm not a model or anything, but you could have tried to sound a little less disgusted."

Potter's eyes widened. "No, I didn't mean—"

"Yeah whatever, message received," said Lily darkly, and turned on her heel. "Come on, Mary. I need to get these home."

It wasn't the most hurtful thing Lily had ever experienced in her life - not by a long shot - but certainly the most hurtful today.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Jane Doe

 **Sent to:** Prongs, on Wednesday, 14th February 2018 at 4:56pm

...

 **Jane Doe:** Did you get any of those Valentine's roses today?

 **Prongs:** yeah loads

 **Jane Doe:** I wish you could see how hard I was side-eyeing you.  
How many did you send to yourself?

 **Prongs:** i got a couple  
you?

 **Jane Doe:** Can't tell you. What if we were in the same class when we got ours?  
I will tell you that I got at least one because almost every girl in school gets at least one, from their friends if not from someone who fancies them.

 **Prongs:** who was yours from?

 **Jane Doe:** No idea. Either I've got a secret admirer or someone's taking the piss.

 **Prongs:** you don't seem like the kind of girl people would want to pick on  
if you're saying you got AT LEAST one that means you got loads

 **Jane Doe:** I didn't get loads!

 **Prongs:** yeah right i bet you did  
if you turn out to be the fittest girl at school and i've been texting you for weeks without realising i'm going to jump off a bridge

 **Jane Doe:** Who's the fittest girl in school?

 **Prongs:** can't tell you

 **Jane Doe:** Why not?

 **Prongs:** because you might tell her  
you might be her  
also, rather inconvenient this  
but i've been in love with her for about two years so you know  
that's great for me

 **Jane Doe:** Wow.  
That's pretty heavy.  
Does she know how you feel?

 **Prongs:** nope  
we don't really talk much  
or at all  
and when we do i usually make a total arse out of myself and i'm sure she thinks i'm a prick

 **Jane Doe:** So, what? You just pine for Dream Girl from afar?

 **Prongs:** that's pretty much the plan for the rest of my life

 **Jane Doe:** But you said you got a couple of roses.  
She might have sent you one, you never know.

 **Prongs:** nah  
i'm not even on her radar  
i'm like an 8 or a 9, and she's like a 500

 **Jane Doe:** God, you can't even be self-conscious like the rest of us.  
How can you be sure that you're in love with her when you don't know her very well?

 **Prongs:** i just am, i dunno  
she's gorgeous and clever and funny and brilliant at pretty much everything and she lights up rooms  
i'm not exaggerating, she walks into a room and everything gets lighter  
it's not like i'm choosing to love her, i just do  
i can't help it  
it's like nobody else exists when she's around  
you can laugh at me if you want, my mates all do

 **Jane Doe:** I'm not going to laugh at you because you're hurting over a girl.  
I'm not a horrible person.  
Why would your mates make fun of that?  
Anyway, I have a crush on someone who basically rejected me, and that sucks, so I sort of get what you mean.

 **Prongs:** that's crap, i'm sorry  
whoever he is, he's an idiot because you're super cool  
my mates make fun of me because we're blokes and that's what blokes do

 **Jane Doe:** Urgh.  
Men are awful.

 **Prongs:** tell me about it, sister

 **Jane Doe:** Hahahahaha!  
I just spat out my tea.

 **Prongs:** i thought you promised no laughing at me  
jaaaaaaannnnnne  
can you even see through your web of lies?

 **Jane Doe:** Oh, shut up you drama llama.  
Obviously I was laughing because you're funny and not because you're pining away for Dream Girl like some sad old pine tree.

 **Prongs:** heh  
heh heh  
you think i'm funny

 **Jane Doe:** You thrive on compliments, don't you?

 **Prongs:** i need at least three a day or i'll collapse into unconsciousness  
i can be brought back by an ardent round of applause but sometimes it's a close shave  
i might die without constant reassurance

 **Jane Doe:** Well, I can't let you die on my watch, I suppose. It'd be really awkward when I didn't know whose funeral I was meant to go to.  
So, yeah, I think you're sort of hilarious.  
You made me spit out my tea, which is quite the achievement.  
Pat yourself on the back.

 **Prongs:** oh i know i'm quite the comedian

 **Jane Doe:** Gracious as ever, I see.

 **Prongs:** hey, i can give as good as i get!

 **Jane Doe:** Oh yeah?  
Take your best shot, then.

 **Prongs:** alright  
i think you're dead smart  
and witty  
and you didn't laugh at my deep dark secret which means you're very kind  
and i like talking to you

 **Jane Doe:** Wow. Get you.  
Four whole compliments.  
Are you feeling charitable or was my life in danger?

 **Prongs:** if you did drop dead  
it would be because i killed you with a charm overload

 **Jane Doe:** Okay, I changed my mind. You're literally the worst.

 **Prongs:** wait no i can't...  
air supply is...  
depleting...  
i think i'm choking...  
the walls are  
closing in  
help meeeeee

...  
...

 **Jane Doe:** LMAO

 **Prongs:** thank you  
that was all i needed


	4. Night Whispers

**Chapter Four: Night Whispers**

The week after Valentine's saw James no closer to making amends with Evans than he had been on the day he insulted her, which was bad for two reasons – the obvious being that she wasn't best pleased with him, but also because his mother had cut off his pre-bedtime bacon sandwich supply until he sought her out and apologised.

Algernon had also scratched him a couple of times, which may not have been related to Lily, but James and his cat were so finely attuned that he knew Algernon must have sensed his failure and been repulsed by it.

As far as Euphemia was concerned, James had as good as flushed £50 down the toilet by vehemently denying that Lily deserved the roses he'd bought her, and it was difficult to argue with her logic. If the purpose of the bouquet was to make Lily feel loved and admired, but James had done his level best to dump all over that feeling, he had essentially wasted his time, Lily's time, his mother's time, and Interflora's time, so in short, James was a tremendous fuckwit who deserved his mother's derision.

Perhaps it wasn't his fault. Perhaps there was a tiny monkey in his head who had been inadvertently given control of his decision-making functions. It would be nice to blame a tiny monkey.

The one bright spot amongst his mother's disappointment and his own humiliation – not to mention Sirius, who found the whole thing hilarious – was Jane Doe. James had managed to share the details of his feelings for Lily with Jane without disclosing her name, and Jane hadn't even mocked him for it. Instead, she was kind and understanding, which further proved James's theory that she would make for an excellent addition to his group of friends.

Girls were so much nicer than boys. They supported their friends. Girls didn't mock their friends when said friends received mystery Valentine's Day roses from their secret admirers, like _his_ friends had done, though James suspected that they all secretly agreed with Not-Helena's assertion that he had a bottom like a perfect, juicy peach. If Jane's best friend became too drunk to stand, she'd probably tuck her up in bed with a cup of tea and a cuddle. When James became too drunk to stand, his mates drew dicks on his forehead in permanent marker.

Well, Sirius and Peter drew dicks on his head. Remus was decent. Remus also supported his mates. But he still wouldn't get a cup of tea and a cuddle from Remus. James wanted a cup of tea and a cuddle.

Not that he wanted to cuddle Jane. That would be strange and inappropriate. Evans, on the other hand, was ripe for some serious snuggling. James had a long-running fantasy - that he would not share with anyone on pain of death because he was a teenage boy and teenage boys were only supposed to have sex fantasies - wherein he invited Evans to his house and tucked her snugly in his arms while they watched Disney's criminally under-remembered _Hercules_ and shared a packet of chocolate biscuits. He was so much taller than her that she'd fit quite nicely.

Maybe he'd give Jane a hug, when they finally revealed their identities to each other. Since Valentine's Day, their talks had become a daily occurrence that he found himself looking forward to very much indeed. It would be nice to hang out when their contest finally ended.

First, though, he had to apologise to Evans.

His original plan was to find her in assembly and tell her how sorry he was. He wasn't sure of the exact wording he wanted to use, but in most of his imagined scenarios, he would say something like, "I shall not rest until you comprehend the vastness of the sorrow I feel when I think of how I slighted you," at which point Lily would admit that she found him deeply attractive and they'd kiss until McGonagall gave them both a detention.

Unfortunately, Lily had started to give off a serious 'don't you dare sit next to me, you mildewed pustule on the scrotum of humanity' vibe, and that forced James to keep his distance, though Remus insisted that she hadn't, and James was just afraid of her.

He had tried to blame the monkey, but nobody else put any stock in that theory.

"Either we go to the cinema or I get to slap you in the face twelve times," Sirius snapped at him on a Friday afternoon, ten days after the fateful event, as he lounged in James's bean bag chair. "I'm sick of watching you mope around like somebody died."

"Hope died," he retorted.

"Hope died with the last US election," said Remus, who was sitting on the floor with Peter, engaged in a trilling game of _Star Wars Battlefront_. "Nice try, though."

"We should set up a jar for when James is overdramatic," said Peter. "And has to pay a quid every time he goes over the top."

"I'm all for this idea," Remus agreed.

"It'll probably put us all through uni."

"Kiss goodbye to your student loans, kids."

"You're only ever happy when you're on your phone," Sirius continued, not to be deterred in his mission to guilt James into Going Outside and Doing Things. "Who are you even texting? Everyone who likes you is in this room."

"I'm not texting anyone."

This was a complete lie. James had been about to contact Jane to suggest they start a Netflix series and live-text their opinions, but Sirius wasn't to know this. Aside from their agreement to keep mates out of their contest, Sirius would undoubtedly become jealous if he found that James was hiding friends outside of their group.

"Then what _are_ you doing?"

"I'm keeping up with the stock market."

Sirius did a passable impression of Algernon at his most unimpressed. "The stock market?"

James nodded. "The NASCAR is on the rise."

"You mean Nasdaq," said Remus, with an amused smile. "NASCAR is motor-racing."

"That's on the rise too."

"Oh, for fuck sake - are we going to the cinema or not?" Sirius snarled. "We're the only people left on earth who haven't seen _Black Panther."_

In the end, they all agreed to go lest Sirius suffer a nervous breakdown, and so they took the bus into town for the late showing.

As was typical for a Friday night, the cinema was stuffed to the rafters when they arrived, but as Remus had possessed the foresight to buy tickets online before they left, they were able to select their seats and procure snacks without any fuss. Upon having their tickets checked, they were directed to the second floor of the building, whereupon, to the immense surprise of the group, they were immediately confronted with the sight of Lily Evans herself.

She was leaning slightly back against the wall that divided the male and female toilets, her nose buried in her phone, long red hair tumbling past her shoulders instead of pulled into its usual ponytail, and completely unaware that a helpless teenage boy in her immediate vicinity had just forgotten how to breathe.

"Lily's over there," said Peter, quite unnecessarily. He also pointed, which was even less helpful.

"He's noticed, Pete," said Sirius darkly. "Give me the popcorn."

It took James a moment to realise that Sirius was speaking to him because he'd been staring at Lily in shock, but he looked at him now, blinking in the brilliance of her radiant glow – honestly, he felt it staggering that nobody else seemed to notice what she did to the atmosphere. "What?"

"The popcorn." He extended his free arm towards the popcorn bucket in James's hands. "Give it to me."

"Why?"

"So you can go and talk to her, you fucking idiot. Apologise, or offer to buy her a fucking island, or whatever it is you do when you're a sad prick with a boner—"

Peter snorted.

"We'll go get the seats," said Remus. "Find us when you're done."

And then, without so much as a nod of assent from James, he found his popcorn extracted from his hands and himself abandoned, ten feet away from the girl of his dreams.

She looked up, locked eyes with him instantly and gave him a quick, unenthusiastic wave, a lush pink tinge creeping into her pale cheeks.

"Hi," he said, but far too loudly. A passing family stopped and looked at him, no doubt assuming he was speaking to them. James felt like a big, lumbering, idiotic pole. Why had he been cursed with his towering height? Normally, he enjoyed standing head and shoulders above everyone else, but now he felt so exposed, with every flaw and failing on clear display for the world – and more importantly, Evans, who might as well have been the world, for what she meant to him – to see and judge.

"Hey," she replied.

James had no choice but to engage now, so he wiped his sweating palms on his jeans and walked over to her.

"Hi," he said, then quickly squeezed his eyes shut. "I already said that, didn't I?"

"You did."

"Hello, then."

Lily's lips curled into the softest, most begrudging of barely-there smiles. "That's just a variation of 'hi,' really."

"But more formal, don't you think?"

"Do I need to be addressed formally?"

"Well, I dunno." The monkey in his brain was applying no rationale to his actions. He lifted a hand and ran it through his hair, and Lily followed its progress with her eyes, though he couldn't have guessed what she might have been thinking. "Are you here to see a film?"

There was a small silence, which was filled by a look of deep confusion on Lily's part. Of course, she was there to see a film. They were standing right in the middle of a cinema. What else would she be doing there, embarking on a canoeing expedition? He was ridiculous and he didn't deserve her.

"Can't think of another reason why I'd be here," she replied eventually. "I've just been to see something."

 _"Black Panther?"_

"I wish," she said darkly. "That stupid _Fifty Shades_ thing. Not my choice. I'm just waiting for someone now."

"A friend?"

"No, my worst enemy. We often see films together."

He was so dazed and frightened and enslaved to his fluttering heart that he actually believed her for a moment, and choked out a laugh when the joke settled. "Good one, Evans."

"You're easily impressed."

"I'm really sorry, actually," he said, breaking the rhythm of their conversation entirely. She'd given him a window for a witty comeback, and he'd sailed right by it with his eyes closed. "I just wanted to - what I said last week, that wasn't about you—"

"Wasn't it?"

"Of course not!"

"Only it sort of sounded like it was," said Lily, and slipped her phone into her handbag. "Emphasis on the word _her_ , and all, which is fine, I don't particularly care what you think of me, but there's no need for you to be so rude when it was Mary who—"

"No no no, wait!" he interrupted, and took a step towards her, then hastily back. "What I _actually_ meant was that – urm – that I wouldn't send anonymous flowers to a girl. Like, at school. At all."

"Why not?"

"Because it's creepy."

She frowned at him. "No, it isn't."

"Yes, it is?"

"Speaking for the female sex, Potter, I'd like to assure you that it isn't," said Lily irritably, hitching the strap of her handbag higher on her shoulder. "If whoever sent them had tried to make me feel obligated to date him afterwards, then yeah, it'd be creepy, but whoever he is, he didn't do that and I thought it was really sweet."

"Oh," he said, staring blankly at her.

"Maybe _you_ enjoy laughing at the girls who sent you flowers—"

"I didn't laugh at them!" he protested. "I mean, Helena's, yeah, but she's a fruitcake. Did you know she thinks the world is flat?"

"Amazingly, her Flat Earther t-shirt kind of gave the game away."

"Yeah, so, I mean, she's mad, but I got a nice one from someone else, and I didn't even let Sirius read—"

"What did it say?"

"What d'you mean?"

"I'm not speaking in French, am I?"

"No?"

"So, what did the nice one say?" She folded her arms beneath her chest, which pushed her breasts together beneath her top, which was quite low-cut, and none of that helped matters except to give him a nice memory to take away with him after all of this was over. "You know what mine said because Mary read it out."

James knew what hers said because he and his mother had run through fourteen other options before settling on that one. "Right, but—"

"And you owe me for that lovely little insult last week."

"Yeah."

"So?"

"Um." His eyes darted left and right, looking for an escape - except that was bullshit because he didn't want to escape, he wanted to ditch his mates and go wherever she happened to be going. "Something about my hair, and, I dunno, other stuff, and that I have a nice arse."

"A nice arse?"

"Yeah," he muttered, supremely embarrassed. "Like... um, like a juicy peach."

"Oh." Lily tipped her head to the left and considered this, her lips pursed in a perfectly lovely pout. "Let's see it, then."

"What?"

"I want to see your arse and judge it for myself," she said. "I quite like peachy bottoms."

The little monkey ceased operating the cogs of James's brain, shrugged his shoulders, said 'you're on your own, kid,' and took a desperate, flying leap out of one of his ears. Probably the left one. "I don't— _what?!"_

"Oh, _come on,"_ she said impatiently. "I just sat through that odious movie without throwing up once, I feel like I'm owed a little entertainment."

"My arse," he began, trying to sound affronted. Failing. Burning up inside. "Is _not_ entertainment."

"I can't know that until I see it."

"What, here in the cinema?"

"I'd offer to show you mine in return, but we've already established that you're not interested."

"I _am_ interested!"

Lily's eyebrows flew towards her hairline, and the speed of his palpitations increased to a potentially life-threatening level. "In me?"

"No," he lied. "In bottoms."

"What, any bottoms?"

"Oh, you know," he said, hoping she did. He didn't know. He barely knew what day it was. "Big ones. Small ones."

"Some the shape of your head?"

"I think we've moved on to coconuts, Evans."

"I think you've got - oh," she said, and lifted her hand to give another listless wave to someone else - Evan McNamee, who had come out of the toilets and was suddenly attaching himself to their little group like an unexpected cyst. "There you are."

"Hey, Potter," said McNamee, and frowned at Lily. "What about coconuts?"

"Nothing, Potter and I were just chatting about films," said Lily, with a flick of her hair.

"Oh, okay."

"You took your time in there."

"Yeah, sorry, there was a queue inside," said McNamee, which was the universal cover-up for 'I was taking a shit' because the men's toilets never had a queue. Lily wouldn't know that, of course, because she was a girl. A beautiful, light-altering girl who always smelled pretty. "Are you ready to go?"

"I guess so," Lily sighed.

McNamee darted towards her and picked up her hand, and James suddenly realised what was going on.

"Oh," he said, his voice ringing hollowly in his ears. "You two are together, then."

"Looks like it," said McNamee brightly. "I asked her out last week."

"He sent me a rose."

"I thought bouquet guy might steal her out from under my nose, but luckily he didn't sign it," said McNamee. "Just goes to show you that you don't need to spend a lot of money to impress a girl."

"Nope," Lily quietly agreed, looking at her shoes. McNamee was holding her hand in a vice grip, but she had let it hang limp between his fingers. "You know where you are with McDonald's and a movie."

"Anyway, we should go."

"Oh," James repeated.

"Later, Potter," said McNamee, and pulled Lily away from the wall, towards the stairs that would take them to the exit. She looked over her shoulder at him as they left, trailing behind her date like a reluctant child.

"Bye, James," she said, rather sadly, and then she was gone.

He felt like he'd been punched in the chest.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Prongs

 **Sent to:** Jane Doe, on Saturday, 24th February at 0:46am

...

 **Prongs:** hey  
are you awake?  
i can't sleep  
had a shitty night  
my best mate is here but he's snoring  
he sounds like a herd of wildebeest  
i can record it for you if you want  
jane  
janeeeeeeeee  
i thought we were friends

 **Jane Doe:** Read 00:47

 **Prongs:** oh lovely thanks  
i guess our time together meant nothing to you

 **Jane Doe:** Um, what time together?

 **Prongs:** our many interesting conversations  
also, real life interactions that we don't know we've had

 **Jane Doe:** Oh yeah, of course. I cherish those times.  
Though, you know, if we are going to be friends, maybe don't expect a response to your texts if you contact me after midnight.  
I tend to sleep at night, you know.  
That's what it's for.

 **Prongs:** why are you awake now then?

 **Jane Doe:** I also had a shitty night so I wanted to talk to my friend.  
I just got off the phone with her.

 **Prongs:** oh i see  
so it's one rule for her and another for me  
what's your friend's name?

 **Jane Doe:** I may be exhausted but I'm not sloppy.  
If you need a codename you can call her Blue.  
After my favourite colour.

 **Prongs:** damn  
thought i had you for a bit

 **Jane Doe:** What's YOUR mate's name?

 **Prongs:** you can call him padfoot

 **Jane Doe:** Padfoot?!  
That's weirder than Prongs.

 **Prongs:** what can i say  
he's a stealthy mover

 **Jane Doe:** Not so much when he's asleep, apparently.

 **Prongs:** speaking of  
i should let you go to bed  
i feel guilty for keeping you from sleeping just because i can't

 **Jane Doe:** Nah, it's fine. I'm sort of awake now.  
I'll let you amuse me until I start to drift off.

 **Prongs:** oh will you?  
i'll have you know that i have better things to do than be your dancing monkey

 **Jane Doe:** I'm pretty sure you're texting me because you DON'T have better things to do.

 **Prongs:** i picked you over other people i could have texted actually

 **Jane Doe:** Like Dream Girl?

 **Prongs:** i don't have her number

 **Jane Doe:** You'd be too chicken to text her if you did, anyway.

 **Prongs:** wow  
thanks  
thanks a bunch  
you're right though  
how would her ladyship like to be amused?

 **Jane Doe:** How about I ask you questions about yourself, and you answer?

 **Prongs:** hahahaha why  
to make it easier for you to win?

 **Jane Doe:** Nah, I don't want a cheap victory.  
I'm just interested.  
I'll ask you non-specific stuff, I promise.

 **Prongs:** alright then  
you can have five questions, total  
and i can choose not to answer them if i want to

 **Jane Doe:** Alright.  
What's your favourite colour?

 **Prongs:** that's what you're starting with? favourite colour?  
that's so boring

 **Jane Doe:** You know mine, so it's only fair you tell me yours.

 **Prongs:** red  
next

 **Jane Doe:** What's your favourite song?

 **Prongs:** careless whisper

 **Jane Doe:** WHAT?!  
No it isn't!  
Careless Whisper?  
Careless fucking Whisper are you kidding me?  
I'm going to wake my parents laughing.

 **Prongs:** i'm dead serious  
there's nothing funny about this right here  
it's a classic  
so much fun to sing when i'm in the shower  
you should try it sometime

 **Jane Doe:** Are you a good singer?

 **Prongs:** brilliant  
next

 **Jane Doe:** There's that characteristic modesty I've come to know and love.

 **Prongs:** love?  
i mean i knew you'd fall in love with me eventually but i didn't think it would happen this quick

 **Jane Doe:** I hope you're not thinking of seducing Dream Girl with that cavalier attitude, matey.  
If a bloke tried that shit with me I'd reject him for the sake of it.

 **Prongs:** even if you were, in fact, in love with me?  
which you couldn't be blamed for because i am a CATCH  
also very handsome

 **Jane Doe:** Even then.  
I have self-respect.

 **Prongs:** does your self-respect keep you warm at night?  
does it hold your hand and tell you everything's going to be okay?

 **Jane Doe:** Yes, it does.  
If you were serious about making me fall in love with you, you wouldn't have asked me to call you Prongs and you never would have admitted to singing Careless Whisper in the shower.  
So let's move away from your bullshit and on to question 3.

 **Prongs:** question 4 actually  
you asked if i was a good singer

 **Jane Doe:** That doesn't count.

 **Prongs:** yes it does

 **Jane Doe:** You're such a shit.

 **Prongs:** god stop being so in love with me jane

 **Jane Doe:** Question 4 then, before I murder you.  
What's Dream Girl's name?

 **Prongs:** nope  
nope nope nope nope nope  
move on

 **Jane Doe:** You're no fun!

 **Prongs:** i'm so fun they should name a day after me  
but there's no fucking way i'm telling you dream girl's name  
next question

 **Jane Doe:** Alright, FINE. You BORE.  
But I will find out eventually.  
Name one Year 12 bloke you aren't.  
I'll preface your answer by promising to give you a name to cross off your list if you do.

 **Prongs:** alright, this question is acceptable  
i'm not sirius black

 **Jane Doe:** Lucky you.

 **Prongs:** what?  
what's wrong with him?

 **Jane Doe:** Nothing, he's perfectly nice.  
It's just that everybody thinks he's so sexy or whatever, and I really don't see it.

 **Prongs:** i thought everyone fancied him though  
isn't he like the attractive one in his group?

 **Jane Doe:** HAHAHAHA NO.  
I mean okay, lots of people fancy him.  
But I know which one of his gang I'd date and it's NOT him.

 **Prongs:** ooooh  
who is it?

 **Jane Doe:** You know what? I think I'm tired enough to sleep now.  
Off to bed with me!  
By the way, I'm not Helena Hodge.  
Goodnight!

 **Prongs:** NO!  
NO THAT'S NOT FAIR!  
I ALREADY KNEW THAT!  
YOU SLY VIXEN YOU  
okay this really isn't fair  
sirius black is a good name to check off a list  
and you gave me garbage  
jane  
jane  
jaaaaaannnnnnnnne

* * *

The upside of being scorned by James Potter was that it finally got Mary to cease her efforts to get him and Lily together. After a long talk over pizza and milkshakes, during which Lily explained that Mary's gung-ho approach and frequent attempts to throw them together only served to make her feel worse when Potter continued to show no sign of interest, Mary was unduly apologetic, and Lily had the comfort of knowing that her friend's enthusiasm for their imagined romance was a product of loyalty.

Girls were brilliant, really. Supportive. The boys she saw around school seemed intent only upon mocking each other, and she couldn't imagine that they gave each other what someone like Mary could give her. Men were immature and not worth a girl's time, especially Potter, who had acted as if he might fancy her when she saw him at at the cinema, only to deny it _again_ when she made it quite obvious that she was interested.

Evan McNamee was even more infuriating. Her last minute decision to agree to a date with him had been a terrible error of judgement on her part. He'd rushed her through a fast food dinner, then made her sit through the final instalment of a trilogy she had never wanted to see - about a creepy sexual abuser and his depressingly adoring wife - in the hopes that it would arouse her somehow. He hadn't been pleased when his plan failed, and had since been heard telling his mates that she was frigid.

Who needed men? They were the worst.

There _was_ an exception to the rule, and that, of course, was Prongs. He actually discussed his feelings with her, as if he felt she had some insight to offer, which in turn made her feel valued. He never failed to brighten her day, make her laugh or divert her attention away from things that stressed her out, like her sister, or her sister's awful boyfriend, or the fact that Potter had stopped venturing near her during assembly, or the fact that she was ashamed of herself for caring.

Prongs was certainly worth keeping around, her lively, dynamic, sparkly little ball of chaos, and as the weeks ticked by and their chats grew longer, fast becoming a regular fixture in her life, so much so that their little competition had become a secondary concern. They didn't talk about it nearly as often as they should have, all things considered.

Bless his little heart, he had his own romantic problems. His mystery Dream Girl, upon whom Lily found herself ruminating almost as much as she thought about Prongs's real identity, sounded too good to be true, though Lily was practical enough to know that he was viewing her through rose-tinted glasses. No real woman could attain such a level of perfection. No real _person_ could light up a room simply by stepping inside. Lily certainly couldn't, and knowing that there was a girl out there, real and unassuming, moving quietly through life, who could walk through a door and drastically alter the pace of her new, mystery friend's heart...

It bothered her a little.

That was strange, and confusing, because she still couldn't put a face to the guy she was talking to, and she wasn't sure if she could confirm that the feelings she had were any way romantic, but sometimes it felt as if they could be, and that shouldn't have been the case. It shouldn't have been possible to feel a spark with someone through the medium of texting. She shouldn't have been able to like someone else when the sight of Potter - much as she hated it - could still be counted upon to make her pulse quicken. She shouldn't have cared about Dream Girl at all. She shouldn't have been jealous.

But she was.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Jane Doe

 **Sent to:** Prongs, on Tuesday, 13th March 2018 at 9:25pm

...

 **Jane Doe:** Hey.  
Hey Prongs.  
Prongs.  
Prongs.  
Prroooonnnngggggggggssss.

 **Prongs:** i get the distinct impression that you're making fun of me

 **Jane Doe:** Oh, absolutely.  
But guess what?

 **Prongs:** what?

 **Jane Doe:** I'M NEVER GONNA DANCE AGAIN  
GUILTY FEET HAVE GOT NO RHYTHM

 **Prongs:** THOUGH IT'S EASY TO PRETEND  
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT A FOOOOLLLLLL

 **Jane Doe:** SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO CHEAT A FRIEND

 **Prongs:** WASTE THE CHANCE THAT I'D BEEN GIVEN

 **Jane Doe:** SO I'M NEVER GONNA DANCE AGAIN

 **Prongs:** THE WAY I DANCED WITH YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

 **Jane Doe:** I've been listening to it for maybe thirty minutes?

 **Prongs:** hahahahahahaha

 **Jane Doe:** It's so good.  
I'm sorry for doubting you.

 **Prongs:** that smooth sax tho

 **Jane Doe:** Can you really sing this?

 **Prongs:** like an angel

 **Jane Doe:** Damn.  
That's kind of hot.

 **Prongs:** if only dream girl agreed with you  
i might be in with a chance of carrying her off into the sunset  
*sad violin*

 **Jane Doe:** Hahaha, you soppy git.  
Does she know you can sing?

 **Prongs:** she barely knows i exist

 **Jane Doe:** I'm sure that's not true.  
You don't seem like the kind of person who could be overlooked easily.

 **Prongs:** that's the second nicest thing you've ever said to me

 **Jane Doe:** What was the nicest?

 **Prongs:** that i'm extremely hot

 **Jane Doe:** I didn't say that YOU were hot, I said that the ability to sing Careless Whisper like an angel was hot.  
There is a distinct difference between those two things.  
I also never used the word 'extremely?'  
You're living on another planet, boy.

 **Prongs:** well fine  
i was going to suggest we get married and dance to it at our wedding but FINE  
FINE  
if i'm not hot enough for you we'll call the whole thing off

 **Jane Doe:** You could be. How would I know?

 **Prongs:** can't you sense it through the phone?

 **Jane Doe:** If I could, it would be completely overshadowed by your endless capacity for drama.  
There are a couple of good-looking boys at school and like, one incredibly hot one.  
You could be one of those.

 **Prongs:** who's the incredibly hot one?

 **Jane Doe:** I'll absolutely tell you.  
If you tell me Dream Girl's name.

 **Prongs:** nope  
nope  
no deal

 **Jane Doe:** And here I thought we were friends.

 **Prongs:** and here I thought YOU thought I was hot  
i guess we've both been lied to today


	5. Tea and Biscuits

**Author's Note** : The football incident is ripped entirely from a real-life experience that was possibly one of the most inadvertently romantic rescues I've ever witnessed. Also props to my brother for the crazy dream I stole from him for this story.

 **Chapter Five: Tea and Biscuits**

He never should have flirted with Jane.

James wasn't sure what possessed him to do it, because from the beginning, he had never intended for their talks to turn that way, especially considering how he'd found her number in the first place. He respected Jane. He wanted her to feel respected. Moreover, he was totally infatuated with a totally different girl, and Jane _knew_ about it.

Things with Evans were hopeless, though. Gossip told him that her date with McNamee had gone nowhere – looking back on it now, James didn't find that surprising, because she hadn't seemed particularly enthused by his presence – but nothing else had happened to give him any hope. He'd had a window of opportunity in which he could have told her that he'd sent the flowers, but it was nearing the end of March now, and he knew he'd let it pass him by.

Lily didn't seem to have so much as a glance to spare him, and the days of sitting next to her in assembly were long gone. But Jane... she seemed to like it when he flirted with her, and now he couldn't seem to stop. He liked it, too. He was ashamed of that.

It made him feel devious and selfish. Jane wasn't a receptacle for his pent-up sexual frustration, she was a person – a brilliant person – and smart, so smart that she was bound to start feeling used at some point. That might be enough to end their friendship, and didn't want to lose her. She was so sweet, and so fun, countering his most ridiculous statements with her effortless wit, always happy to laugh at his silliness, but never to the point where it made him feel stupid. Lily made him feel stupid merely by existing, though that wasn't her fault, because she was poised on a pedestal that James had built for her, which meant, really, that James had doomed that relationship from the first.

Was it possible to like two girls at once? Was it possible, even, to like Jane in that way, when he couldn't know for sure if he was attracted to her or not? It felt disloyal to Evans to even consider it, but why, he didn't know. She wasn't his girlfriend. He owed her nothing. His entire attachment to her was completely imagined, but still, he'd spent two years of his life pining after her, and it would be such a waste to let that all go.

But Jane... she felt like such a good fit for him in every other way. She made being himself feel so natural. She understood him and he understood her. She was...

"Lily Evans, clearly," said his mother, handing him back his phone.

If James hadn't already set her cocoa down on the coffee table, he probably would have spilled it all over her. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," she said, and pulled her blanket up to her chin. "That's the feeling I get."

"Why?"

"Because I want it to be Lily."

"Wanting something won't magically make it happen."

"Yes it will," she said, and paused to let out a violent cough, balling her hand into a fist and pressing it against her chest as if that would stifle it. "It's the law of attraction. Envision and receive. I do it, and I usually get what I want."

"That's because you're _you."_

"You're _my_ son, and you've lived a charmed life so far," she reminded him.

James had never intended to tell her about Jane, but she'd 'accidentally' picked up his phone while he was in the shower, 'accidentally' unlocked it because he was self-involved enough to use his own date of birth for a passcode, then 'accidentally' read a week's worth of conversations. When confronted, she claimed to have been concerned that he was texting a drug dealer because of Jane's obviously fake name, then concluded that keeping a secret girlfriend from his mother was worse, and that she hoped he was proud of his villainy.

He then had to convince his mother that Jane wasn't his girlfriend, a truth she only believed once he disclosed the backstory behind their acquaintance, including the contest. Now, she thought she had it all figured out.

"Even if Jane is Evans," he began, his stomach squirming at the thought, though he truly, honestly felt that she wasn't because the one thing James could never, ever hope to deserve was a minute of that girl's time. "She doesn't fancy me, so she'd just—"

"Lily does fancy you."

"No, she doesn't."

"Yes," said Euphemia gently. "She does."

"How'd you know?"

"She got all flustered when we ran into her in Sainsbury's—"

"She was embarrassed because she was holding tampons."

"Nonsense. She's a sensible girl, she'd hardly be embarrassed by her own period."

"Maybe she'd turned red with anger because the sight of me ruined her day."

Euphemia patted the sofa, so James sat down, his body collapsing with an inherent physical moodiness that only a teenage boy could achieve, and dropped his head on his mother's shoulder.

"You dramatic little thing," she cooed.

"Blame your DNA."

"I blame myself for the drama, and your father for everything else," she wheezed. "Now, if you'd only drop a little hint to Lily that you're this Prongs character—"

"I can't do that, we never talk."

"It can't be _that_ hard to run into her in a corridor."

"I wouldn't know how to make it seem natural."

"It doesn't matter, if she's not Jane, she won't understand what you mean."

"And she'll think I'm more of a nutcase than she already does."

"She doesn't think you're a nutcase."

"She does."

"For the love of god, James, do you want my advice or not?"

"No."

"Well, you're getting it anyway."

"I'll ignore it."

"Oh, I know, and you'll regret your decision," she said, and kissed the side of his head. "It's so much fun to watch you fall flat on your face."

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Prongs

 **Sent to:** Jane Doe, on Sunday, 1st April 2018 at 1:57pm

...

 **Prongs:** so i thought i'd come out and tell you that i'm terry heaney

 **Jane Doe:** Happy April Fools to you too.  
What, you think I was born yesterday?

 **Prongs:** lol you're too smart for me

 **Jane Doe:** I was just about to text you, actually.  
I was out last night and my phone ran out of battery so I didn't get a chance.  
Is your mum feeling any better?

 **Prongs:** loads better, thanks!  
she had a course of antibiotics and that cleared up her chest so she's fine

 **Jane Doe:** That's a relief!  
I'm glad it wasn't something more serious, I had my fingers and toes crossed for her.

 **Prongs:** i know, i told her and she said you're a sweetheart

 **Jane Doe:** Your mum knows about me?

 **Prongs:** yeah, haha, she figures everything out, there's no point in keeping secrets from her  
she thinks i should ask you out

 **Jane Doe:** I thought she was a big supporter of you and Dream Girl?

 **Prongs:** she is  
she thinks you're dream girl

 **Jane Doe:** She does? Why?

 **Prongs:** oh, she calls it mother's intuition or something idk  
anyway i told her we were in a fight to the death

 **Jane Doe:** Are we?

 **Prongs:** absolutely?  
i'm 100% not going to let you beat me at guessing  
i've already knocked a few names off my list

 **Jane Doe:** Like who?

 **Prongs:** helena hodge, obviously  
you're not amy price or eliza stubbs either  
and you're not mary macdonald

 **Jane Doe:** Reasons?

 **Prongs:** helena hodge is crazy  
price isn't smart enough  
stubbs is... well, you know

 **Jane Doe:** Yeah.

 **Prongs:** and macdonald is wicked cool but she fancies sirius black and you  
lovely jane  
do not

 **Jane Doe:** That's true. Right on all counts.

 **Prongs:** anyway, my mum told me to tell you that you're invited to dinner once you guess who i am  
she says i'm too thick to see the obvious  
whatever that means

 **Jane Doe:** Your mum seems like someone I'd get along with.

 **Prongs:** she's so much cooler than i am  
we should hang out though  
after i win the contest

 **Jane Doe:** I'd love to hang out after you lose the contest.  
I've got your mother on my side now.  
Plus, I've knocked waaaaaay more names off my list than you.

 **Prongs:** Like who?

 **Jane Doe:** Well, obviously you're not Terry Heaney.  
You're not Sirius Black, which you've already told me.  
You're also not Evan McNamee, Nick Crabtree, Curtis Higgins, Parvinder Aga, David Corrigan, Remus Lupin or Robert Sanderson.

 **Prongs:** how did you get rid of that many names?!

 **Jane Doe:** Simple.  
They all have android phones, and you, lovely boy, do not.  
Or hadn't you noticed that we've been iMessaging this whole time?

 **Prongs:** holy shit  
you're a genius

 **Jane Doe:** I am, I know.  
And it only took you two-and-a-half months to notice.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Jane Doe

 **Sent to:** Prongs, on Thursday, 12th April 2018 at 7:23pm

...

 **Jane Doe:** I had a dream about you last night.  
Obviously, not the real you, because I'm pretty sure you're not the person whose face I envisioned.  
But I knew it WAS you, if that makes any sense.

 **Prongs:** omg you flirt  
who was i?  
someone handsome i assume

 **Jane Doe:** I'm not telling you that part.  
In the dream you were really upset because you'd gotten a second cat but then your original cat got offended and moved in with McGonagall, and then the second cat had to go back to her original owners because there'd been a mix-up in the sale, and then someone stole my blazer. But like, why the fuck was I wearing a blazer? And you needed to be consoled because you had lost two cats, but I was like, desperately searching for this missing blazer so you got angry at me.

 **Prongs:** yeah but was I handsome?

 **Jane Doe:** How can that be your takeaway from my dream?

 **Prongs:** takeaway sounds good  
chinese or pizza?

 **Jane Doe:** You have the concentration of a gnat.

 **Prongs:** or of a stagly stag  
seriously though was i handsome?

 **Jane Doe:** JESUS CHRIST!  
You were Aladdin, okay?  
You were the animated character Aladdin.  
I didn't want to tell you in case you got offended, but this is what you've reduced me to.  
You brought all of this on yourself.

 **Prongs:** by any chance  
do you think  
that aladdin is handsome

 **Jane Doe:** How are we friends?

 **Prongs:** because i'm a loveable rogue from the streets of agrabah and you're a trapped princess who just wants to be free

 **Jane Doe:** You're going to be seriously disappointed if you think I look anything like Princess Jasmine.  
Or if you think that by marrying me you can somehow come into wealth.

 **Prongs:** i have no idea what you're talking about  
i've never even seen aladdin  
i was discussing our real life situations  
actually i've just checked online and aladdin is definitely the handsomest of the disney men so i'll take it  
thank you jane

 **Jane Doe:** I hope your cat does move in with McGonagall.

 **Prongs:** apu would never abandon me

 **Jane Doe:** LMFAO Apu.  
No, he'd just overthrow you and steal your identity, according to you.

 **Prongs:** his personality type is evil/loyal  
one day he might kill me but he'd never let anyone else do it

 **Jane Doe:** I wish I'd never brought up this stupid dream.  
Speaking of dreams, how are things with Dream Girl?

 **Prongs:** lol nonexistent and painful  
i'd ask you how things are with your crush but considering the dream you just had, we all know that's me

 **Jane Doe:** Oh, how I love it when I find you in one of your particularly arrogant moods.

 **Prongs:** xoxo thanks

 **Jane Doe:** Sarcasm doesn't translate well via text, does it?

 **Prongs:** it translated fine  
i just chose to ignore it  
by the way, i actually had something serious i wanted to discuss with you  
if you're not, like, busy or anything

 **Jane Doe:** Sure, discuss away.

 **Prongs:** are you sure?  
it's kind of heavy  
and i haven't really talked about it with anyone else  
but it's been keeping me up at night and i really think i need to get it off my chest

 **Jane Doe:** Yeah, of course, you can always talk to me.

 **Prongs:** are you sure?

 **Jane Doe:** Yes, always. What's going on?

 **Prongs:** okay  
it's just  
god, this is so awkward  
but  
do you think aladdin is handsome?

 **Jane Doe:** OH MY GOD I hate you.  
Yes.

 **Prongs:** xoxo thanks

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Prongs

 **Sent to:** Jane Doe, on Monday, 23rd April 2018 at 11:24pm

...

 **Prongs:** i hate it when i can't sleep

 **Jane Doe:** Neither can I and it's driving me crazy.  
I mean, I cannot convey to you enough how much I wish I was asleep and how angry I am that I'm not.

 **Prongs:** have you got another headache?  
do you need a hug?  
i can't hug you but if i hug my pillow and you hug your pillow we can pretend

 **Jane Doe:** No, I'm okay, I think.  
My stupid sister's boyfriend is sleeping over downstairs. Again.  
A hug sounds lovely, though.

 **Prongs:** aaaaaaaahh i see, now it all makes sense  
what did he do this time?  
and do i have permission to hide sardines in his curtain pole?

 **Jane Doe:** What? No!  
Where do you get your ideas?

 **Prongs:** from my amazing brain  
it'll stink up his house and he'll never know where it came from  
he'll just keep cleaning and cleaning and cleaning and never know  
seriously though what did he say

 **Jane Doe:** Nothing, really.  
He was just his usual, immigrant-hating, UKIP cretin/frog man self.  
He did make some comment about how it's such a shame that I'm not tall and blonde like my sister, because obviously not being blonde and tall makes you a one-eyed hunchback.  
Looks seem to be all he cares about, yet he's the fattest, most disgusting person you'll ever see.  
His CHINS have chins.  
Which is like, fine, I'd never fat shame anyone but he's always putting my looks down for no reason and like ? How dare he?

 **Prongs:** it's because he's not clever enough to pick at anything else  
because you'd wipe the floor with him

 **Jane Doe:** You think?

 **Prongs:** you wipe the floor with me on a daily basis  
and i'm actually intelligent  
it might not seem like i am because you're so much smarter than me but it's true

 **Jane Doe:** I think you're intelligent!  
Also thank you for always making me feel better.

 **Prongs:** no problem  
ignore that idiot, he's jealous and full of shit and probably frustrated because he fancies you more than he fancies your sister, so he pretends not to by going after the way you look  
i mean, i have no idea what you look like except i'm guessing not blonde  
which by the way already makes you fitter than your sister imo  
but obviously you are a 10 and he's a - 2595

 **Jane Doe:** Lol, no I'm not.

 **Prongs:** shut up you are

 **Jane Doe:** How would you know?

 **Prongs:** i can tell  
through the phone  
radio waves or whatever

 **Jane Doe:** Lol, you weirdo.  
So you're not into blondes?

 **Prongs:** nah, not my thing

 **Jane Doe:** Brunettes then?

 **Prongs:** what do you normally do when you can't sleep?

 **Jane Doe:** Are you avoiding answering the question?

 **Prongs:** maybe you could listen to some whale sounds

 **Jane Doe:** You are avoiding the question.  
Interesting.  
I'm already listening to Mr. McBackstab snoring. Isn't that a whale sound in itself?  
What do you do when you can't sleep?  
In general, I mean, not when Padfoot is staying over and keeping you awake with HIS snoring.

 **Prongs:** um  
you probably don't want to know

 **Jane Doe:** What? Why?

 **Prongs:** just trust me

 **Jane Doe:** Oh god.  
You have a wank, don't you?

 **Prongs:** ...

 **Jane Doe:** OMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGG!

 **Prongs:** i'm a boy!

 **Jane Doe:** I know!

 **Prongs:** i can't help it!

 **Jane Doe:** I need to stop laughing or I'll wake everyone.  
So, what, you lie there and think about Dream Girl?

 **Prongs:** well  
i suppose yes mostly  
but not so much recently

 **Jane Doe:** Graduated to watching porn on your phone under the covers, have you?  
The same phone you TEXT ME WITH?

 **Prongs:** oh my god

 **Jane Doe:** WOULD YOU TEXT YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT PHONE?

 **Prongs:** shut up also one time she walked in on me during

 **Jane Doe:** OH MY GOD

 **Prongs:** no it gets worse  
i didn't notice she was there

 **Jane Doe:** ?!  
WHAT?! HOW?!

 **Prongs:** my back was to the door!  
i had headphones on!

 **Jane Doe:** Oh my god, I'm crying.  
What did she do?  
Please tell me you weren't listening to Careless Whisper.  
You gave me that song don't take it away from me.

 **Prongs:** i'd never defile that song!  
she left a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits

 **Jane Doe:** Oh my god.  
Sometimes I love you, honestly.  
Tea and biscuits!  
I'm dying.

 **Prongs:** lol no don't die  
i have so many other humiliating stories to share with you in exchange for your affection

 **Jane Doe:** You'll literally do anything for attention, won't you?

 **Prongs:** yup  
especially if it's from you

* * *

"Have you gone off Potter?"

Lily looked up from the book she was pretending to read and fixed Mary with a frown. "What?"

"Sorry," said Mary, with an apologetic wince. "I haven't wanted to mention him since the whole Valentine-cinema-disaster thing, but I was just curious."

"Oh."

"Is everything, like, alright with him? You're not—"

"Still obsessed?"

"With that peachy bottom of his," said Mary slyly. "Essentially, yeah."

It was a beautiful day in late April, so the two girls had elected to spend a cluster of free periods outside, sitting in their favourite spot by the sports field – Lily with her copy of _Ivanhoe_ and Mary with the electronic drawing pad she had gotten as an early birthday present – ignoring the sounds of a raucous football match that was happening nearby, in which James Potter was actively participating. Hence the book. Lily had committed herself to getting over her stupid crush on that stupid boy, which meant keeping her eyes off him while he and his tremendous arse ran around in a pair of shorts, occasionally shouting at Peter Pettigrew to get out of the corner.

She took a sneaky glance every now and then, like dipping into a bag of unhealthy snacks. Prongs was making it easier to move on from Potter than Lily had anticipated - though having a crush on someone she couldn't see was a perilous thing that ultimately hadn't made her life any easier - but it couldn't hurt to look at him, especially when he lifted his t-shirt to mop his brow, and even more especially when the sun glinted in his damp, coal-black hair.

If she could put Prongs's vibrant personality inside Potter's beautiful body, she would literally have the perfect man, and neither of them would be interested in her.

"I haven't gone off him, exactly," she told Mary, after taking a moment to ruminate on this. "But what am I supposed to do? Wait around for him to start fancying me?"

Mary chewed on her lower lip. Lily knew what she was holding back. "Well, you definitely seem a lot more chilled out about him lately."

"I asked him if he liked me, he said no, and yeah, he's fit and I like looking at him, but at some point you have to move on with your life."

"Move on to?"

"What?"

"To who?"

"What do you mean, to who?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out," said Mary. She shifted closer to Lily, her bottom scraping against the grass, no doubt bound to stain. "Do you like someone else?"

 _Yes_ , she thought. And then, _I really don't want to get into this._ "No."

"Because, I dunno, you're acting a bit—"

"Normal?"

"Happy," said Mary firmly. "But like, 'I've just met a new guy,' happy, not 'I got yet another A in English' or 'this is my fifteenth cat video of the day' happy."

"Or 'I'm finally over my idiotic crush' happy?"

"If that's true, why are we sitting out here?"

"Because he's - I'm sorry, can we go back to discussing exactly _how_ you decide what form my happiness is taking?" said Lily, and closed her book on her thumb. "Do I have a diamond over my head like one of the Sims? What?"

"It's more of a smile you do," said Mary thoughtfully, and drummed her polished fingernails on Lily's outer thigh. "When you're on your phone - which you are _a lot_ lately, by the way, and I can tell you're texting because of the way you giggle."

Lily felt a telltale blush in her cheeks, but ignored it. "I giggle?"

"Yeah, it's like - remember the other night at Alice's?"

"I told you I was texting my mother."

"Right, and I'm the Pope."

"It's an honour to meet you, in that case."

Mary gave her a laugh for her trouble. "Look, if you're not ready to tell—"

"Heads up!" someone shouted.

She and Mary looked towards the source of the voice at once, just in time to see a football rocketing directly towards them, hurtling through the air at too great a speed for either of them to dodge it, and absolutely, without question, poised to smack Lily directly in the face.

Until James Potter appeared out of nowhere like a speeding bullet, leapt in front of her and smashed it away – so close that Lily could feel a breeze from the movement – spinning whilst suspended in mid-air like some sort of graceful, scissor-kicking knight in shining armour, and landed on one foot, facing her directly, with an infuriating kind of ease, as if rescuing girls from rouge footballs was just something he fucking _did_ , casually, or as if he'd sensed that Lily was starting to move on from him and felt compelled to make a thirsty, salivating animal of her once again.

"Are you alright, Evans?" he he said, his breath coming out in a pant, looking down at her with a concerned expression. Someone on the pitch - Sirius, probably - gave a loud, obnoxious hoot.

"I'm fine," said Lily.

 _"We're_ fine," added Mary, who had scrambled backwards and ended up on her back, propped up on her elbows - in sharp contrast to Lily who had remained exactly where she is, outwardly disaffected but inwardly stunned. "Thanks for asking."

Lily ignored her. "Where did you—"

"I was over there," said Potter, pointing to his left. "And I saw - um - here, sorry." He took a step towards her and held out his hand. "Let me help you up."

A hot, swooping, nauseating feeling seared her insides, but he'd offered, so she slipped her hand inside his and let him pull her to her feet, which he did with ease despite his understandably sweaty palm.

"Thank you," she said, when she was standing - though still, he towered over her. She bushed nonexistent crumbs from her skirt for want of something to do. "That was pretty impressive, Potter."

He let out an awkward laugh, his hand jumping to tangle in his hair. "Nah, it wasn't real—"

"Yes, it was," Mary seconded, having stood up without any assistance from handsome, sweating boys. "You saved my girl's life."

"Bit of an exaggeration, Mary," Lily reminded her.

"Well, then he saved your pretty face."

Lily threw her a look. "That one I'll let slide, but only because I like having my vanity pampered."

"Is it having your vanity pampered to have Potter as your own personal superhero?"

"Oh," said Potter, his eyes going wide. "I'm no superhero."

"Oh, I think you are," said Mary, with a wicked grin. "That was some serious Spider-Man shit we just saw."

"Yeah, really," Lily agreed. "Like out of a movie."

"Seriously, I wish I'd filmed it."

"We're both in agreement on this, Potter, so you're just going to have to deal with it."

"Alright," he agreed, looking pleased, and with another awkward, stilted laugh. "Just call me the Commodore, I guess."

Lily laughed, as did Mary, but while her friend went on to ask Potter why he'd choose a naval rank as an alter-ego, something clunked in her brain like a brick dropped in water, throwing her, and the ground beneath her feet, and the sky above her head and the air in her lungs, into a sudden, shocking tailspin.

The Commodore. That stupid, nonsensical nickname. She'd laughed at that before. She'd read it before. She'd read it when—

And he had—

So he was—

And they'd been—

 _Oh, shit._


	6. Parfin, Parfoo

**Chapter Six: Parfin, Parfoo**

Lily Evans was not a girl who half-arsed her way through existence, so when she figured out that James Potter was Prongs, she double-checked to be certain.

Except double-checking wasn't good enough, so she triple-checked. Quadruple-checked. Like a private detective perusing the dark web, she holed herself up in her bedroom later that same day and pulled up more information in one hour than she'd managed to uncover in all the weeks she had known Prongs. Every rule she had crafted, as well as their contest, had ceased to matter in the face of the position she was in.

It was far easier to verify his identity once she already knew it.

She didn't have a Facebook account because she believed it was a soul-sucking waste of time, but Mary did, and Lily knew her password, and didn't have space in her conscience to feel guilty about a little casual hacking when her heart had been thrown into crisis. Potter, one of Mary's many Facebook friends, posted a lot of pictures of his cat – Algernon was his name – complete with funny captions pertaining to his various attempts at world domination. He wrote every status update, every comment, every silly quip, in his usual style – all lowercase, no punctuation – and to cap it all, his number, the phone number that Lily had been texting for almost four months, was displayed on his profile for anyone to see.

Mary had also been exchanging sexually-charged private messages with Sirius Black, which she hadn't told Lily about, so that was something to discuss at some point in the future, but everything paled when compared to the fact that Potter was Prongs. Prongs was Potter. Her crush was her crush. How the hell had she found herself in this situation?

And to think, Lily had believed Prongs was subtle, that he was doing such a good job of keeping his identity under wraps, when all the while he had splashed it all over social media without a second thought!

It was all too much. He was too much. Of course, he'd do something careless like this. This was just like Prongs, who lived his life with a joyful, reckless abandon, ignoring all the rules. She wouldn't have realised it of Potter, but how could she have? She didn't know Potter at all.

Except, she supposed she _did_ know him.

Lily knew exactly how to make him laugh. She knew how much he wanted to emulate his father, and how he revered his mother. She knew that he liked pop from the eighties, and watched cartoons on Saturday mornings, and that he loved cherries and mushrooms, but hated mayonnaise. She knew that he had a bacon sandwich before bed every night, and that his ideal holiday involved many, many rollercoasters. She knew that he was kind, and earnest, and that his friends meant the world to him, and that for every compliment she gave him, he'd give her five in return, because he was unafraid to tell her she was marvellous.

She knew that she mattered a lot to him – or that Jane mattered – but that Dream Girl might have mattered more because he'd loved her without knowing her for far too long. He had idealised her, perfected her in his mind. She knew that she was fighting a fantasy for his affection, but that it was wrapped up in a very real person.

James Potter had fucked her over. He'd fucked her completely. She'd been erring on the right side of safe when Potter was Potter and Prongs was Prongs, when her body wanted one and her head the other, but now they had melded together in one blindingly appealing package, and every part of her wanted every part of him – but only if he wanted all of her, and though she had her suspicions about a turn in his feelings for Jane, he'd made himself unequivocally clear on Lily Evans.

Unless he hadn't. Unless Mary had been right the whole time. Unless he'd been lying. Hadn't he called her a genius? That was something.

She had to find out who Dream Girl was, and she had to make James see what _she_ saw - that they were right for each other, and that she could make him happy in a real way, not the fantastical, imaginary way he'd concocted with a girl who hadn't even noticed his existence. Lily had months of conversations to back that up. Dream Girl had nothing but a beautiful face.

That wasn't much to base a plan on, but she was already in too deep to consider letting him go. She had to give it a shot or duck out, and there was no better time than the present, when she was still protected by a pseudonym. She couldn't see her plan through as Lily Evans. She had no sway over him as Lily Evans.

She might be able to do it as Jane.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Jane Doe

 **Sent to:** Prongs, on Tuesday, 1st May 2018 at 6:26pm

...

 **Jane Doe:** God, today crawled.  
I'm sick and tired of this week already and it's only Tuesday.  
Are you tired?  
I swear, two hour assemblies should be banned from existence.

 **Prongs:** i dunno, i think long assemblies are dead useful  
i perfected the art of sleeping with my eyes open during assemblies ages ago  
i get a nice nap and i'm never detected

 **Jane Doe:** Perhaps you should teach James Potter to do that.  
I can't believe he dozed off and fell out of his chair.  
That was the funniest thing I've seen in weeks.  
I was still laughing about it when I walked home this afternoon.  
People driving by in their cars were looking at me like I was nuts.

 **Prongs:** haha yeah  
what a stupid arsehole

 **Jane Doe:** Well, that's another name for me to scratch off my list.  
I'm so far ahead of you in this competition, you should honestly be ashamed.  
Also, for your information, James Potter is not an arsehole.  
You be nice or we'll have a problem.

 **Prongs:** lol what?  
seriously?  
why do you think that?  
any specific reason?

 **Jane Doe:** I mean, okay, since I trust you and all.  
I might, perhaps, possibly, think he's sort of completely beautiful.  
But in an annoyingly obvious kind of way so you know, it's fine.  
It's possible that I'm biased.

 **Prongs:** ...

you think he's beautiful?

 **Jane Doe:** Oh my god, yes.  
He's the fittest guy at school.  
100% would bang.  
Apparently he rescued Lily Evans from a football or something with an impressive athletic manoeuvre and it was really hot.  
Swoon.

 **Prongs:** what? did evans tell you that?

 **Jane Doe:** I can't remember who told me.  
Anyway, my point is, he's adorable.

 **Prongs:** so you think he's adorable, but you'll still laugh at him when he falls out of a chair?

 **Jane Doe:** Me and the rest of the school.  
Anyway, he was laughing too.

 **Prongs:** right  
okay  
that's weird  
i never knew you fancied him

 **Jane Doe:** It's not a big deal.  
I mean, he's gorgeous, but I don't really know him that well, and personality is way more important in a boy anyway.  
The look on McGonagall's face when he fell, though.  
She was fuming.  
I thought her nostrils might expand to the size of the cosmos and swallow us all.  
I wonder how he got punished.

 **Prongs:** with a week's detention  
i mean, probably  
she likes to dole out week-long detentions

 **Jane Doe:** I've never gotten a detention from her, so I wouldn't know.

 **Prongs:** well look at you, swotty mcswot

 **Jane Doe:** You say that like it's a bad thing and I'm not brilliant.  
God, you're rubbing off on me.  
Soon I'll have no modesty left to speak of.

 **Prongs:** hey  
there's nothing wrong with being confident

 **Jane Doe:** Confident, no.  
Wouldn't really use that word to describe you, though.  
That indicates a level of self-awareness you don't seem to have.

 **Prongs:** it's nice up here on deluded mountain

 **Jane Doe:** Stop being funny for like, five minutes so I can stop reaffirming your sense of self-worth and feel less guilty.  
Dream Girl is going to have to put up with your nonsense when you win her over and marry her and she might not have the same level of tolerance for it as I do.  
I'm creating a monster.

 **Prongs:** you think i can win over dream girl?  
thank you so much  
that really reaffirms my sense of self-worth

 **Jane Doe:** You prick.  
Anyway, I had a REASON for texting you and it wasn't to boost your ego.

 **Prongs:** sounds like you're also living on deluded mountain

 **Jane Doe:** LOL shut up.  
What I was GOING to say was that I'm shattered and have a lot of homework to do so I can watch one episode of Stranger Things tonight but not any more than that.

 **Prongs:** need i remind you  
you said that about the good place last weekend  
how much of season 1 did we end up watching?

 **Jane Doe:** That was different!  
It was the weekend!  
Also those episodes are a lot shorter.  
Anyway what time do you want to watch tonight?

 **Prongs:** i got home a bit later than expected today and i still have chores and homework sooooooooooooooooooooo maybe 9?

 **Jane Doe:** Yeah, 9 is fine.  
Alright, I've got an essay to finish so I'm going to put the phone down.  
Text you later lovely.

 **Prongs:** alright cool  
talk later x

* * *

In the days of old, when James was a young, foolish lad of sixteen, he had thought that a difficult life meant loving one girl who didn't love you back.

How wrong he had been.

He was seventeen now, having mercifully gotten through another birthday without suffering through the humiliation of a James Potter-themed condom bonanza, and with age had come the knowledge of real suffering. A truly difficult life was loving one girl who didn't love you back whilst also falling for _another_ girl – one who found him attractive enough to want to get physical with his real-life self – but who he couldn't have picked out of a crowd because he still, stupidly, after almost four months of friendship, didn't have an ever-loving clue who she was.

He had hoped that Jane and Lily were one and the same, but he knew for sure that they weren't, because he'd dropped a perfectly brilliant hint on Evans at the first available opportunity – per his mother's orders – and it sailed right over her head.

It wasn't fair that he felt this way. It wasn't fair that his mother persisted in believing that Jane was Evans when all evidence pointed to any other girl - except the blonde girls at school, and Helena Hodge, and Macdonald, who apparently had something going with Sirius now - and it wasn't fair that Algernon smacked him in the face with his tail every time James tried to confide in him. It wasn't fair that he'd agreed to keep Jane a secret from his mates, and that he still couldn't tell them, and that if he did, Sirius would fly into a huff, and Remus would tease him, and Peter would tell everyone because he was crap at keeping secrets.

It wasn't fair that he was trying his level best to get over Evans and felt, whenever she wasn't in his immediate vicinity, that he was doing a good job, but then he'd see her in class, or she'd sit by him in assembly, or she'd say hello when she passed him in the corridor - he'd certainly gone up in her estimation since he'd saved her from that ball - and his stupid little heart would expand like a hot-air balloon.

None of it was fair on him, but mostly, it wasn't fair on Jane. If Evans didn't exist, he'd have thrown caution to the wind and asked her out by now. He would have told her that she made him smile, and that he thought about her all the time, and that his day felt a little emptier if he didn't speak to her at least once, because all of that was true, unequivocally so. But there was Evans still, glowing proudly in the background, possessing a part of his heart that should have been Jane's.

He hated himself for that, because he prided himself on being honourable. He'd always thought of himself as a one-woman man, not half one and half the other. There was no point in being someone's boyfriend if part of you longed for someone else.

So he couldn't go there with Jane, not until he could give her every last scrap of his affection, not until he could get past Dream Girl.

But _god_ , was Lily making it hard.

He'd thought the corridor greetings and the return of their side-by-sides in assembly was the height of it, but she blew that out of the water on a Monday morning in Binns's class, when she slid into the empty chair beside him and fixed him with a smile that could have made flowers bloom in a barren desert.

"Hi!" she said brightly. "Can I talk to you about something before Binns comes in?"

James would have answered, but Sirius had marched up to the desk behind her, and was glaring down at them both.

"Excuse me?" he said, with narrowed eyes. "I was just about to sit there."

She looked up at him. "Oh, were you?"

"It's my fucking seat, isn't it?"

"Oh, just sit next to Mary," Lily commanded, with enviable poise in the face of Sirius's irritation. "You can survive without him for one class."

"You can't just tell me to sit somewhere else—"

"I just need him for one class, Black. You can have him back afterwards, in perfect condition, I promise."

Sirius may have lived to take the piss out of his mates, but he wasn't such a shit that he'd deny James a golden opportunity to sit next to the focus of a two-year obsession for an entire hour, so he rolled his eyes and moved towards the back of the room. This left James, of course, alone with Lily, who started to unpack her things from her bag and set them out in front of her in preparation for class, humming some innocuous tune under her breath, while he reeled from the shock of it all.

"You don't mind me sitting here, do you?"

He shook his head.

"Hmm?" She hadn't been looking at him, but looked now, and a tiny crease appeared between her eyebrows. "Do I have something on my face?"

"What?"

"You're looking at me like I've got two heads or something."

"No, sorry, I'm just tired."

"Oh, right," she said, and smiled again. "Well, try not to fall asleep and tumble over again. I'll do my best to catch you, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough."

Perhaps, he thought, Lily was a trained assassin, and had been hired to torment him until he dropped dead. His brain was performing a slow crawl through molasses, his face had gone hot, and the rest of his body felt uncomfortably cold - a sure sign that she was slowly but surely poisoning him through the medium of intense physical beauty. The only thing that could make this situation more awkward was an unwanted boner, which was a problem he had faced in her presence before, but never when he was struggling to shelve his feelings in favour of another girl.

He was so weak. Weak and malleable. If Lily had asked him to kiss her right now he probably would have done it, classroom full of people be damned. Jane deserved so much better than a pathetic cad like him.

"Anyway," she continued. "I think we need to talk about this little romance that's been brewing."

His intestines flipped over. "Pardon?"

"Between Mary and Sirius?"

"Oh, right. What about them?"

"Well, here's the thing," she said, and laid a hand on his arm, with tied with the moment he'd held her hand to pull her to her feet as the most panic-stricken James had ever felt in his life. "The reason I wanted to talk to you is because – you know how Sirius is all darkness, Russian literature, 'I don't give a shit about anything but leather jackets and my one-man war against authority,' and all that?"

"I'm familiar with him, yeah."

"Well, Mary's having a late birthday party on Saturday, and she wants to invite him, but she doesn't want him to think she's inviting him as like, a boyfriend, or anything, so she asked me to ask _you_ if the four of you could come, and then she'll pretend she doesn't want to invite him but will agree for the sake of making me happy."

"Oh."

"There are a bunch of people coming already, and her parents will be out, so, you know, if you fancy copping off in a darkened bedroom—"

"Yeah, that sounds great," James agreed. "The party, I mean, not copping off—"

"I know, I was kidding."

"Yeah, so was I."

That little crease appeared again. "What?"

"What?"

"Only, you just..." she said, and laughed. "James, you sort of made it sound like you _do_ want to cop off in a darkened bedroom."

"With - with you?"

Lily shrugged her beautiful shoulders. "If you want, I suppose. You did save me from that football."

He was definitely gaping at her, and he definitely had an erection.

"Oi, Mare?" said Lily, twisting in her chair towards him, which was terrifying, lest she happen to glance below the desk and see what her jokey suggestion had brought about, and waved at Mary. "Can Potter and his friends come to your party?"

Mary made a noise of disgust. "Do they have to?"

"I strongly insist upon it."

"Oh, fine then, but it's on you to chaperone."

"Cool," said Lily happily, and turned back around, just as Binns entered the classroom, his battered carpet slippers shuffling against the linoleum floor. "There you go, Potter. A little lesson on the subtle intrigues of thirsty women."

Perhaps he was dead already, and this was his eternal damnation.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Jane Doe

 **Sent to:** Prongs, on Friday, 11th May 2018 at 8:48pm

...

 **Jane Doe:** Hey, this is going to sound a bit weird.  
But do I have permission to be a total sap for a moment?

 **Prongs:** permission granted?

 **Jane Doe:** Okay, cool.  
I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you texted me when you found my number on the wall.  
I know our whole situation is really strange, but you've become one of my best friends in the world, and one of my favourite ever people.  
Sorry to be unexpectedly sentimental. I just watched a bunch of videos about kittens.

 **Prongs:** i know how you get when you watch kitty vids  
silly jane  
honestly, you're amazing and i don't deserve any of this

 **Jane Doe:** Yes, you do!  
And seriously, as for Dream Girl? Whoever she is? If she doesn't want to date you, she's batshit crazy.  
You are funny and clever and sweet, and would probably be a great boyfriend.  
I mean that. I'd date you, if I were her.

 **Prongs:** jane, honestly  
i don't deserve the nice things you're saying and you could definitely find a better bloke to date  
so could dream girl  
i'm lucky that you even think of me as your friend

 **Jane Doe:** You're being uncharacteristically modest.  
Have you been lobotomised?  
HAVE YOU BEEN KIDNAPPED?  
Oh god, is this some sort of code that I need to call the police?  
Use one capital letter if I'm correct.

 **Prongs:** lmao no, but  
i'm perhaps a little bit tipsy  
padfoot and i, he's staying for the weekend and mum's letting us drink  
i've only had a couple so far but pads is breaking out the whiskey  
pray for my soul

 **Jane Doe:** Oh, I see.  
Your mum's so cool.  
And I thought you were a happy drunk?

 **Prongs:** i am normally  
i'm just worried about will

 **Jane Doe:** Will?

 **Prongs:** is he ever going to get out of the upside down?  
how is winona coping?

 **Jane Doe:** LMFAO that's what you're thinking about?

 **Prongs:** he's only a kid jane  
he just wanted to play dungeons and dragons with his friends  
i hate that guy steve

 **Jane Doe:** I'm going to die, honestly.  
You don't hate Steve, you're jealous because he's a hot specimen of man and I'm definitely in love with him.

 **Prongs:** shame on you jane  
such vulgar words  
don't go for fictional characters on looks alone

 **Jane Doe:** But his hair. It's glorious.

 **Prongs:** james potter's got hair like that  
so like  
i guess we know your type

 **Jane Doe:** I guess we do.  
You ask James Potter to start wearing tight jeans like Steve does and perhaps I'll get back to him.  
But right now I'm all Steve, all the time.

 **Prongs:** this is so upsetting

 **Jane Doe:** 24/7 Steve

 **Prongs:** you know there are more important aspects of the show to talk about  
thematic aspects  
existentialism  
nostalgia  
it's not all about wanting to bang steve

 **Jane Doe:** But, in a way, don't we all - and I mean we as a society - want to bang Steve?

 **Prongs:** i'm starting to think you're drunk

 **Jane Doe:** I'm starting to think you're the one who's in love with me.  
And not the other way round as you so frequently like to accuse me.

 **Prongs:** that is an outrageous accusation  
i am a asdhohsedr  
sorry

 **Jane Doe:** What?

 **Prongs:** padfoot trying to grab my phone  
he says i'm ignoring him

 **Jane Doe:** Well, you kind of are.  
Aren't you supposed to be bonding over whiskeys right now?

 **Prongs:** yeah kinda  
don't want to ignore you, though

 **Jane Doe:** Don't worry about me, you silly boy.  
Go have fun with your friend.  
I'm going to watch a show with my mum, anyway.

 **Prongs:** NOT stranger things!  
you're not allowed to watch ahead without me

 **Jane Doe:** Yeah, okay McGonagall.  
With all your rules about what I can watch and what I can't.

 **Prongs:** excuse me  
i hate rules  
i bend the rules  
i break the rules  
the rules quake with fear when they hear me approach

 **Jane Doe:** So I can watch Stranger Things without you?

 **Prongs:** only if you want me to cry

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Prongs

 **Sent to:** Jane Doe, on Saturday, 12th May 2018 at 1:18am

...

 **Prongs:** fuck  
jane  
look i'm really druem  
drunk  
jane  
jane

 **Jane Doe:** Oh. Drunk texting.  
This is new.  
Are you okay?  
You're not sick, are you?

 **Prongs:** fshit, jane  
yourre always so sweet and yuo care  
i'm gonna ruin everything im so sorry

 **Jane Doe:** Okay, honestly, I'm starting to worry.  
What's wrong?

 **Prongs:** i think i love you?  
or have feelsing  
feeline  
howdo you spell that?

 **Jane Doe:** ...  
Feelings?

 **Prongs:** yeah those  
fuck ims o sorry don't hate me  
your jsut so lovely and fun andi think about you somuch  
this is weird  
i feel sick and im sorry  
i'm rewally fucked up beacuse dream girl but then  
you  
fuck  
fuck  
ive fuckedf it all up haven't i

 **Jane Doe:** You need to go to bed.  
Okay?  
Are you at home? Are you safe? You didn't go out or anything, did you?

 **Prongs:** im safe  
at home with algernon and parfin  
parfoo?  
what was it again?

 **Jane Doe:** Padfoot?

 **Prongs:** thats the one

 **Jane Doe:** Okay.  
Look. Go to bed. Please.  
I'll talk to you in the morning, okay?  
But please go to bed.  
You don't want to have this conversation now.

 **Prongs:** im so sorry jane  
i ruined it

 **Jane Doe:** It's okay. But please.  
Please please please, just go to bed, okay?

 **Prongs:** ok  
night jane  
i'm so sorry

 **Jane Doe:** Goodnight.

* * *

Of all the eventualities Lily had planned for – and she'd come up with a few potential endings to the story of Jane and Prongs, or Lily and James, should she ever find it within herself to let him know who she really was – James Potter getting hammered in the middle of the night and texting Jane to proclaim his love had _not_ been one of them.

This was too quick. She had planned for something gradual and delicate. Cement Jane as a prospective girlfriend in his mind. Spend time with him at Mary's party - making him laugh, working all the little angles she knew to work because she knew how _he_ worked. Let him make the connection by himself. It should have taken weeks, but she'd had it all figured out. He hadn't seemed to mind her flirting with him in class. Things had been going just fine, but now - the likelihood was that she'd have to tell him who she was. They couldn't go on as they had done with this hanging over both their heads.

Stupid Sirius Black and his stupid whiskey. She hoped Mary would bite his tongue later.

She didn't know if James had gotten to sleep after his drunken outburst, but Lily certainly hadn't. He'd murdered the night for her. She lay awake in the darkness, staring blindly at the ceiling, stomach churning like an ocean storm, until the sun had risen and the birds outside chirped, and she finally drifted off, overtaken by sheer exhaustion.

She felt no better when she woke up.

It was the weirdest feeling, knowing how James felt about her - or not her, about Jane, because he might have felt differently if he knew to whom he'd been speaking, as if the entire situation wasn't topsy-turvy enough. He'd used the word love, which she could probably discount - he'd been drunk, after all, and had such a fondness for the exaggeration - but still, he wouldn't have used it if he hadn't felt much.

She'd never felt anything like this before in her life. It was an intense kind of joy, but with a short, sharp pain whenever she thought of _her_ , of Dream Girl, like a shard of glass buried in something delicious, slicing a line along the back of her throat and lingering just out of reach. She was jealous of a girl she didn't know. She was jealous of her own alter-ego, for crying out loud. That didn't even make sense.

This was too much. This was supposed to be a game, a simple contest. It wasn't supposed to end in an unholy mess.

She wasn't supposed to fall in love with him.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Jane Doe

 **Sent to:** Prongs, on Saturday, 12th May 2018 at 2:00pm

...

 **Jane Doe:** Hey.

 **Prongs:** hey

 **Jane Doe:** Are you okay?

 **Prongs:** yeah  
no  
i'm so sorry about last night  
i wasn't going to tell you and i did and i feel like a fucking idiot  
and you probably hate me now  
and you're probably texting to tell me to leave you alone forever  
i'm so sorry, i'm so so sorry  
please don't hate me

 **Jane Doe:** I don't hate you.  
But I'm really, really confused.  
You think you love me?

 **Prongs:** i'm so sorry  
i didn't want to tell you like that

 **Jane Doe:** Do you?  
Is that true?  
Or were you, like, drunk and didn't know what you were saying?

 **Prongs:** i was drunk but **  
**i mostly knew what i was saying

 **Jane Doe:** Oh.

 **Prongs:** so yeah  
totally understand if you want to cut me off forever

 **Jane Doe:** No.  
Of course I don't.  
I mean, god, are you blind?  
I'm sort of maybe a bit smitten with you.

 **Prongs:** seriously?  
oh my god, for real?

 **Jane Doe:** Yes.  
But, look, you KNOW how complicated this is.

 **Prongs:** look, i'm sorry i told you the way i did but i don't regret telling you  
you're so smart, and you make me laugh, and my favourite part of my day is talking to you, and i feel wrong if i don't  
what do you mean?

 **Jane Doe:** You know why it's complicated.  
I'm not the only girl you have feelings for, am I?

 **Prongs:** okay look  
i'm sorry, i know, i've been such a dick  
i've had a crush on her for a really long time and i think maybe part of me doesn't want to let it go because i've spent so much time on one girl  
but i've gotten to know you and it's different

 **Jane Doe:** So now you're tired of pining for her, you've moved on to me?

 **Prongs:** no wait  
no no no  
that's not how it is, honestly  
i've been confused and it took me a while to get my head straight, that's all  
the way i feel for you is more real  
a lot more real

 **Jane Doe:** But you think she's beautiful and clever and funny.

 **Prongs:** i think you're all of those things!

 **Jane Doe:** You don't know what I look like.

 **Prongs:** i don't need to  
i don't care, i know you're beautiful  
in every way anyone should be, you are  
you have to believe that

 **Jane Doe:** I can't do that, though.  
What happens when you see me, in person, knowing who I am, and then you realise that you don't fancy me?  
How am I supposed to compete with a girl who lights up rooms?

 **Prongs:** you light up rooms too

 **Jane Doe:** How would you even know?  
You have no idea what I look like.  
Your feelings are based entirely on conversations we've had and nothing else.

 **Prongs:** isn't that a good thing?  
that i want you for you?  
isn't that better than liking you for your looks?

 **Jane Doe:** Yes, it is, and that's so sweet and believe me, I really want to say that everything's fine and go with it.  
But I don't know.  
The physical stuff is still important.

 **Prongs:** does it matter to you what i look like?

 **Jane Doe:** No, it doesn't.

 **Prongs:** so why are the rules different for me?

 **Jane Doe:** Because I've never been in love with anyone the way you are with Dream Girl. You've got nothing to compete with. I have HER looming over my head.  
And, okay, I know you don't know her particularly well, but she seems so insurmountable at this point.  
I can't get past the idea that you might change your mind if she decides she wants you and snaps her fingers.  
I'm jealous, okay? I can admit that. I'm not acting this way for the sake of my pride.  
I'm trying to protect myself.

 **Prongs:** i don't know what to do

 **Jane Doe:** I don't know either.

 **Prongs:** can i see you in person, please?  
please?  
are you going to mary macdonald's thing tonight?

 **Jane Doe:** Yeah, I am.

 **Prongs:** well so am i  
i really want to see you  
i don't know how else to convince you except in person

 **Jane Doe:** And if Dream Girl is there?

 **Prongs:** she probably will be and if she is i'll deal with it  
you were right, months ago  
i don't know her, i never did  
but i'd choose you over her, i don't care what you look like, i would  
i promise

 **Jane Doe:** I don't know if I believe that.

 **Prongs:** please?  
i don't care about the stupid contest anymore  
i'll tell you who i am right now

 **Jane Doe:** No, don't.  
I can't deal with looking at you when you see me and realise you can't go through with it.

 **Prongs:** that won't happen

 **Jane Doe:** It COULD happen.

 **Prongs:** so what?  
what do we do?

 **Jane Doe:** Look, I'll make sure you know who I am, okay?  
I'll let you know somehow during the party.

 **Prongs:** what, like with a badge?

 **Jane Doe:** No, you utter idiot.  
I don't know, I'll figure it out.

 **Prongs:** alright  
jane, i'm so sorry  
i didn't mean to hurt you and i did it anyway

 **Jane Doe:** I'm going to go and do something else for a while, okay?  
I don't think we should talk for the rest of the day.

 **Prongs:** alright  
sure  
no problem  
but i'll see you later?

 **Jane Doe:** Yes.  
For better or worse, I guess.


	7. L and J

**Author's Note:** We did it, guys!

The response to this fun little story about two dramatic teens has been absolutely insane, completely unanticipated, overwhelming and lovely! Thank you all so much for your enthusiasm and for the beautiful comments! You guys are the best!

I can't even explain how happy I am that I'm finishing this story on Lily's birthday.

 **Chapter Seven: L and J**

Mary's party wasn't starting until eight, but Lily turned up at five to assist with the setup, dragging with her a large canvas bag filled with gifts and party supplies, after assuring her mother and father that there would be adult supervision, which was only half a lie. Mary's brother would be swinging by later, and he was twenty-two, which technically made him an adult who could technically pretend to keep order. That was a good enough basis as any upon which to build a necessary untruth.

Her best friend squealed - as was customary for young ladies - as she threw the front door open and her arms into the air. "You look amazing!"

"Not now, there's an emergency," Lily boldly announced, and charged past her without waiting to be asked inside. The bag was deposited on the hardwood floor with a hefty thump.

"What?"

"If you so much as sniff at that bag, I'll brain you. Your birthday gifts are in there."

Mary, who had been poised to nudge the bag with her toe, drew her foot back and turned a pair of innocent, sky-blue peepers on Lily's face. "No, I meant, what kind of emergency?"

"The most shameful kind."

"Boy related?"

Lily nodded. "I don't even know where to start."

"Oh god." Mary turned and performed a kind of trust fall into the wall, her heels jamming into the ground while she leaned at an angle and let her head bump gently against the plaster. "Sirius isn't coming, is he? I bet he thinks it's too much like a date or something, and I went out earlier and paid £30 to wax my bikini line and everyth—"

"Sirius is coming, relax!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, this has nothing to do with him, except that I might need you to bite his tongue later, but we'll see if there's time."

Her friend's face contorted in confusion. "What the hell is going on?"

"What's going on is that I need to tell you something incredibly weird and convoluted," said Lily, and tugged Mary away from the wall by the crook of her arm. "But before I do, I need to remind you that you kept your thing with Sirius from me for two weeks and I didn't get angry—"

"I kept him secret because I was ashamed of him, because he's a sexy hipster and that's such a cliché," Mary snappily countered. _"And_ you hacked my Facebook."

"That was for recon purposes!"

"Which you never explained?"

"Well, you're about to get an explanation, and I need you not to judge me."

"I'm the non-judging birthday princess," said Mary. "And I'll ask you again - what's going on with you?"

"I'm in love with two boys—"

 _"What?!"_

"—but they're both Potter."

Mary's mouth dropped open. "The fuck?"

"Yeah, I don't even - I need to explain."

"Well, clearly!"

"Mum had a bottle of prosecco she let me bring, do you want to start drinking now?"

"Yes," said Mary loudly. "I think I fucking have to."

And so they drank, or Mary drank, while Lily sipped from a mug of strong tea – all the better to maintain a clear head - and recounted the entire story from start to finish. Her initial suspicion had been correct, it _did_ sound completely insane to Mary, and even more so that she and James made it four months without either of them having the temerity to just admit to who they were.

"But you're Dream Girl," said Mary, hunched across the breakfast bar, dropping her voice so as to be inaudible to Terry Heaney, who had shown up unexpectedly at 5:30 with an obscene amount of alcohol. Mary hadn't even invited him, but he'd earned himself the right to stay based on the strength of his booze game and his willingness to act as their errand boy, and was currently pottering around the living room, setting up the snack table and blatantly attempting to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"We can't know that."

"Jesus, Lily, I _do_ know that. I've been saying it for _years_. Why do you never believe your own best friend when all I tell you is what anyone else in the school would agree was the truth?"

"Because you've got no proof."

"Maybe not, but you do!" She reached over, picked up Lily's phone, and shook it from side to side. "All you need to do is ask him. After the stunt he pulled last night I bet he'd do anything to keep you sweet—"

"You don't think that's a bit manipulative?"

"No, I don't, and I'll tell you why; because you're being honest. You're not going to be comfortable until you know for sure who this Dream Girl is, that's just the truth. Telling him that isn't being manipulative, it's communicating properly, which is what you two should have done instead of starting this fucking ridiculous contest that I _still_ can't make sense of, and I'm two glasses into this prosecco."

"And when he tells me that Dream Girl is someone else?" said Lily defiantly. "What then?"

Mary made a low, snarling noise in the back of her throat, threw her head back and cried, "Heaney!"

Terry Heaney poked his head around the kitchen door almost instantly. "Yeah?"

"Who, in your learned opinion as a gossipy creep, sent Lily those flowers on Valentine's day?"

"Potter," said Heaney, without missing a beat.

"And why did Potter send her those flowers, Terry?"

"Because he's into her."

Lily scoffed, and set down her tea. "Heaney, if you've been paid to say that as some sort of elaborate ruse—"

"He got McNamee to stop calling you frigid," Terry interrupted, and in his voice and eyes lay not a hint of insincerity, even under the withering scrutiny of Lily's disbelieving glare. "He said he'd kick him off the football team if he said it one more time."

"Oh my god," said Mary, her hands flying up to cover her mouth. "What a babe. Did he really?"

Terry nodded.

"No," Lily protested, bravely trying to ignore a burgeoning feeling of hope, or the tell-tale thump of her wanting heart. "Potter can't just kick someone off the team whenever he fancies."

"Yes, he could!" cried Mary. "He's the team captain, and his parents are the school _trustees_! He could probably get McNamee expelled if he fancied it."

"And he always says nice things about you," Terry seconded.

"Like what?"

"Like, that you're pretty, and all that. I hear him talking to his mates about you sometimes. They get really sick of hearing about it."

Mary slapped the table with the flat of her palm. "Jesus Christ, Heaney, where were you all those other times I was trying to tell her this?"

"Lurking around in the shadows, I suppose."

"Right, well." Mary threw Lily a guilt-ridden grimace. "Go back to the living room, there's a good boy."

He toddled off, though no doubt he'd be party to the rest of their talk, leaving Lily to drum her nails anxiously against her mug, and still, despite all the assurances of Mary and now Terry Heaney, the part of her brain that dealt in cold, hard logic said that this was much too good to be true.

But then, someone in school had sent her those beautiful roses. She had mattered enough to someone to warrant a sweeping gesture, and wasn't that the kind of thing that Prongs - with his warm and affectionate heart - might have done for a girl he claimed to love? In revealing himself to be James Potter, he'd turned out to be the exact person Lily had wanted him to be, so why couldn't she be the same for him?

"I don't know what to do, Mare," she sighed, and ran a hand through her hair, pushing it away from her forehead. "I mean, are we _really_ set on believing Heaney after what he did with my shoe?"

"You're never going to believe a thing, not until you hear it from Potter," said Mary gently, and held out Lily's phone, screen up. "Go on, ask him."

"Yeah!" Terry called from the living room. "Ask him!"

It didn't leave her with much of a choice.

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Jane Doe

 **Sent to:** Prongs, on Saturday, 12th May 2018 at 5:58pm

...

 **Jane Doe:** Hey.  
I hope you're not too hungover.

 **Prongs:** hey  
hi  
are you okay?  
are you still going to the party?  
sorry i don't want to hound you  
jane?

 **Jane Doe:** You should probably stop calling me Jane now.

 **Prongs:** i would if i knew your real name  
or where you were  
or anything

 **Jane Doe:** I'm going.  
I mean, I think.  
I don't know. I'm feeling really weird about it.

 **Prongs:** is there anything i can say to get you to come for sure?

 **Jane Doe:** I don't know.  
Yes, actually. There's one thing.

 **Prongs:** which is?

 **Jane Doe:** The thing is, I really need you to tell me who Dream Girl is.

 **Prongs:** what?

 **Jane Doe:** Please?

 **Prongs** : why?  
what good could it do either of us?

 **Jane Doe:** I've been thinking about it a lot.  
And the thing is, I really like you.  
A lot.  
To the point where I think it would really hurt to be passed over.

 **Prongs** : i like you a lot too  
i'm not going to pass you over, i really promise

 **Jane Doe:** But if you don't tell me who she is, I'm never going to stop wondering WHO she is.  
And I really don't want that, I don't want to compare myself to every girl at school and wonder if you'd rather be with her than with me.  
I can't do that to my self-confidence, so I need to know.  
I know you like us both, and I know that must be hard and confusing and that you feel guilty, and I don't want you to feel that way because it's totally fair to be confused. You had strong feelings for her for two years and I wasn't supposed to happen.  
I know it might take time for them to go away, so for my own peace of mind I need to know.  
Once I know, I can make a decision, but I need to know if I can deal with that. With her. With knowing who she is.  
I mean, what if she's a close friend? That's not something I can handle.

 **Prongs** : that's fair  
i'm sorry, i should be honest with you, you deserve that much  
it's evans

 **Jane Doe:** Evans?  
What?

 **Prongs** : lily evans

 **Jane Doe:** Lily Evans?  
You've been in love with Lily Evans for two years?  
Are you serious?  
Really?  
REALLY?

 **Prongs** : i'm so sorry  
the last thing i ever wanted to do was hurt you, i swear  
and look, i know she's going to be there because she's best mates with mary and she asked us to come  
but i won't say a word to her  
i won't even look at her if you want

 **Jane Doe:** No but really are you serious?  
Oh god.  
You said.  
You said she was a genius. Ages ago.  
It was so obvious and I didn't even think.  
OH MY GOD  
OH MY GOD  
LILY FUCKING EVANS OF ALL PEOPLE ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 **Prongs:** jane?

 **Jane Doe:** Oh my god and the whole time I never even noticed.  
Were you the one who sent those flowers? On Valentine's Day?!

 **Prongs:** yeah, that was me  
i literally don't know what else to say right now  
i don't know if you're angry or upset?  
or what i'm supposed to do?

 **Jane Doe:** And all that stuff you said about her lighting up rooms and the whole time it was oh god oh god oh god.  
Oh my god.  
I need to I don't know I need to do something.  
I just  
Give me a minute, okay?  
I need a minute.

 **Prongs:** can you please just tell me what's going on in your head?  
like we normally do?

 **Jane Doe:** No, listen  
Don't say anything else just  
Oh god.  
I'll find you at the party later.  
I'll let you know who I am, I promise.  
I just need to do something.  
Oh my god.

 **Prongs:** do what?  
jane?  
do what?

* * *

James almost ducked out of going at the last minute.

His conversation with Jane, from whom he had not heard a peep since, had shaken him. He was worried that she was now trying to figure out how to tell him that she was no longer coming, or that she wanted him to fuck off forever, or both. The idea of hanging around Mary Macdonald's house all night, stinging from the pain of rejection whilst trying to keep up a cheerful front, was completely unappealing.

He had been so insistent that Jane make an appearance, though, so he couldn't afford to be a hypocrite. Besides, Evans had caught him in the canteen yesterday and asked him if he and his mates were still coming, and he'd promised her that he would.

Evans, who he'd swore to Jane he'd make every effort to avoid.

A promise such as that would not have presented an issue under normal circumstances. He and Lily didn't move in the same circles, so it was rare that either of them would have reason to seek the other out, but his best friend just _had_ to go and start some kind of casual, unofficial, not-even-anything-in-typical-Sirius-Black-fashion, quasi-sexual arrangement with _her_ best friend, placing James and Lily in the de facto positions of best man and maid of honour, at least until said arrangement fizzled out and Mary decided to hate Sirius forever. Lily, being the devoted friend she was, had started to show an interest in hanging out with his group for the sake of what she had adorably referred to as BlackDonald, and that complicated matters.

James would now have to ignore her whilst simultaneously not ignoring her. He'd have to be politely rude to a girl who could make his heart ache with a smile, whilst nursing a hangover _and_ at least four different flavours of anxiety, to boot.

Jane was worth it. He was certain of that. The danger, now, was that she might not feel as certain about him in light of the truth.

Lily answered the door when he and his mates arrived and revealed herself to have grown at least ten times more beautiful since the last time he'd laid eyes on her, and since it had only been twenty-nine hours since he'd seen her last, that shouldn't have been biologically possible.

"It's the guys!" she cried, beaming at the four of them with stunning luminosity. "And you've brought... cheesy Doritos? Really?"

"People bring fancy gifts to fancy parties, Evans," said Sirius, waggling his family-sized bag of crisps. "It's a thing."

"Very sophisticated," she agreed. "Come in, anyway. You know you're an hour early, right? Only Terry and I are here. Mary's upstairs, getting ready."

"Why is Heaney—" James began, and stopped, realising that he wasn't supposed to speak to her, just as Remus said, "I thought it started at seven? James said you told him—"

"Oooh, did I?" she said, blinking innocently in the sunlight which fell upon the door. "I can't remember. And as for Terry, I don't even know, to be honest. He turned up over an hour ago and brought half an off-licence with him, so Mary said he could stay."

"What's that music?" said Sirius, peering down the long hallway, wood-panelled hallway.

 _"Africa"_ by Toto," said Lily promptly, and swung her hips from side to side as if to place emphasis on the beat. "Mary let me put on my eighties playlist until more people get here."

"Why the fuck would you have an eighties playlist?"

"Because I'm a happy fucking person, and I don't give a shit about looking cool," she cheerfully retorted, and gestured for them to step across the threshold. "Come in, now, before the neighbours start to think I'm running a brothel."

As the four boys moved as one to push they way into the hall, Lily winked at James and bounced off like a giddy child, disappearing through a door on the right. "In here!"

"What's up with her?" Peter mumbled.

"High, probably," said Sirius. "Or she's plastered."

Whatever had happened to Lily Evans since their chat in the canteen, she appeared to have attained a sort of euphoric state of existence, which made her all the more enchanting, and therefore impossible - unless this was all just in his head. Perhaps, he thought, this was what happened when one tried to force oneself to abandon an infatuation. Addicts went through it all the time when they quit their unhealthy habits. Suddenly, the thing they wanted became even more appealing. He must have going through a withdrawal period.

But she listened to eighties pop. _He_ listened to eighties pop. How was this fair?

He slid his phone out of his pocket as he followed Sirius into Mary's living room and found a blank lock screen - no Jane - then looked up to see Terry Heaney dancing, with an enviable kind of abandon, by a table of snacks.

"Isn't he great?" said Lily, ushering them over to the sofa. "Like that Armie Hammer video."

"Um," said Peter. "Is he drunk?"

"Never mind Heaney," said Sirius, and tossed the crisps on the coffee table. "Are _you_ drunk, Evans?"

"Why would I be drunk?"

"You're acting weird."

"You _would_ think that any indication of a good mood is weird, Black, but no," she said, gesturing for them to sit down, which they all did. James wound up stuck in the corner next to Remus. "I'm not high or plastered - and yes, I _could_ hear you in the hall - I'm just perfectly, wonderfully happy."

"Why?"

The music switched from Toto to A-Ha's _"Take On Me"_ and Lily shrugged, throwing a knowing glance to the ceiling. "Because I'm in love, if you must know."

Every sword was doubled-edged today.

Jane would certainly be happy to hear that Evans was dating someone else, and that might work in his favour when it came to securing confidence in his fidelity, but James had been thoroughly cut regardless, and was bleeding out on a proverbial floor. He could even feel his friends' eyes burning holes in the side of his head, sense their pitying gazes for their poor, lovelorn friend, and had to put a great deal of effort into looking as if he didn't care. "You are?"

Less than five minutes and he'd already broken his no talking rule. He couldn't do anything right. Part of him almost hoped that Jane would stay away and spare herself the trouble of a boyfriend like him.

Lily nodded, smiling dreamily at him. "I am, and he's _perfect_ , just wait until you see."

"McNamee, is it?"

"God, no! Why would you think that?"

"Because you went on a date with him?"

"Did I?" She frowned slightly. "I thought that was some sort of protracted punishment, like McGonagall had given me a detention I didn't know about, and speaking of authority figures..." She reached into the front pocket of her dress, which reminded James of how excited Jane had gotten when she bought a dress with pockets, and pulled out a small ring of keys, which she dangled on the end her finger as if she were tempting a donkey with a carrot. "Since I'm chaperoning you four, I thought I'd let you know that I've been given control of these."

"What are they?" said Peter.

"Keys to the upstairs bedrooms," she said proudly, and dropped them in her pocket again. "They'll be locked for the night, and Mary's left the only set of keys with me, so if for any reason you feel like defiling my best friend, Black, you'll have to go through me first, and I'll have to conduct a thorough assessment of her blood-alcohol levels."

Sirius draped an arm across the back of the sofa. "Meaning?"

"Meaning, keep your tiny, dirty genitals in your pouch or I'll cut them off with a rusty spoon, alright?"

"That's a bit rich," Sirius retorted. "Weren't you just talking about making it in a bedroom with James, like, a few days ago?"

"I guess that's why I've got the keys," she said wryly. "Anyway, drinks? We've got beer, lager, we've got Malibu, we've got vodka, Terry brought four bottles of Apple Sourz for some psychotic reason, and we've got tequila – oh, also we've got wine, so if you fancy pretending to be an adulty-adult for the evening—"

"Do you have Coke?" said Sirius.

"Yeah, Coke, Sprite, all sorts."

"I'll have a vodka and Coke, then."

"Just get me any kind of beer," said Peter.

"Same as Peter," Remus agreed.

Lily's eyes fell on James, "What about you, lovely?"

"Um," he said. "I'll have a Coke."

This was desperately painful. Why had she started being all flirty and sweet with him in the last few days, after two whole years of nothing? What business had she to be so blithe and alive, like starlight captured in a jam jar, when he was being forced to confront his worst failing - a selfish, inconstant heart that wanted two girls. Why couldn't he have just had guts enough to tell her how he felt a year ago, and avoided all of this?

"Just a Coke?"

"Yeah, I don't really feel up to drinking."

"Hungover, right?"

"Just a little."

"Okay, well - you know, I almost feel like I should have roller-skates and an apron to do this." She paused, looking thoughtful. "Except I'd crash into everything."

"Evans?" said Sirius.

"Yeah, sorry," she said, returning from wherever her mind had taken her. "So that's one vodka and Coke for Sirius that I may or may not spit in, a beer each for Remus and Peter, and then a Coke for – what was that nickname you made up again, Potter? The Captain?"

"No," he said. "It was—"

"No, don't tell me!" she quickly interrupted. "I can get it myself."

"What is she on about?" said Sirius.

"The Commander?" Lily tried again. "No, wait, it was something like the Communist or — no, definitely not that, it was something like — you know, I literally just had it. I had it a minute ag— oh!" She snapped her fingers, triumphant for a spell, then her shoulders dropped and she let out a sigh. "Nope."

James frowned. "What?"

"I've lost it," she said. "Never mind, I'll go and get those drinks."

She twirled on her toes and sprang away like a wood-nymph, gliding past a still-dancing Terry and vanishing into the adjoining kitchen. Immediately, Sirius let out a low whistle.

"If that's what love does to people," he said, quite unkindly. "It's a disease and I never want it."

James couldn't handle this any longer. Lily was magical, and in love with someone, and as ill-equipped as he was to deal with the jealousy that this knowledge had set to creeping through the darkest part of his soul like a venomous snake, not knowing what Jane was thinking, or doing, or even her real name, was just as awful. He had to sort this out tonight or he was going to lose his life to a stress-induced cardiac arrest at the tender age of seventeen, and if that happened, he hoped Evans and Jane would stand side-by-side at his grave, weep over the harm they had done and languish in an everlasting guilt.

Remus, Peter and Sirius were discussing Lily's apparent slide into mental instability, but James turned away from them, took out his phone and started to type a message to Jane, throwing one hasty glance over his shoulder to make sure that his friends hadn't noticed.

 _could you please just tell me if you're still coming to the party? please?_

He had expected to watch and wait in an anxious silence until she got the message, but to his surprise, the message was read at the instant it sent, meaning she had been watching _her_ phone, waiting for him to make contact.

Then the little dots at the bottom of the screen were moving. She was responding. His stomach became a hard, protruding knot.

This might be it. Finished. She could kick him to the kerb, right now, and he'd never be any the wiser as to who she was or what had changed her mind.

He was going to throw up.

An age seemed to pass him by, hours condensed into the tiniest fragment of time, and then...

 _For the love of god, James.  
I'm already here._

* * *

It took James, perhaps, twenty seconds to read and process the message she had sent, but he sprinted the ten-foot distance between Mary's sofa and the kitchen door, in a fine, dramatic fashion befitting the boy she'd come to know, while she dug cans of Coke out of a multi-pack box near the toaster like a normal person, who did normal things, and hadn't just set off an emotional firework at her best friend's party.

He might have knocked Terry over – Lily heard some sort of commotion – but he clearly hadn't cared to stop and check, coming to an ungainly halt as soon as he dashed through the door, and looked as if he was surprised to find her standing there. Perhaps he thought she'd travelled further, to give him more of a chase, instead of doing what she'd said she would do in the first place. The sight of her seemed to stun him.

Lily turned to face the boy she adored, keeping one hand on the box to hold herself steady. He was staring at her as if she was awe-inspiring, and seemed of no mind to stop, though she wished he would. He was making her blush.

"Jane's my middle name," she told him quietly.

He nodded, a rough, compulsive movement. "Right."

They may have stood and stared for longer, but Sirius appeared in the doorway, hands braced against the living room wall, and poked his head in, looking quite annoyed to have been left out of something important.

"What the fuck, mate?" he said. "Why'd you shoot off like that?"

"Not now," said James firmly, and kicked the door shut behind him, Sirius be damned, and Lily knew what he was going to do before he did it.

It made her spine tingle.

"So, do you want ice in this?" she said, simply to fill a minuscule, dwindling number of seconds, knowing that it didn't really matter what she said, but silence didn't seem to fit the situation. "We've never discussed your ice preferences, but if I was going to guess, I'd think—"

It wouldn't have been a big, romantic moment if he hadn't cut her off, if he couldn't move like a speeding bullet where she was concerned, if Lily hadn't found herself swept into his arms, and being kissed, thoroughly kissed, with an exquisite kind of boldness. Not like her first kiss, awkward and sloppy, and not like the unwanted, rapid-fire attempts of whatever-his-name-had-been on that ill-fated date. James Potter knew how to kiss - or perhaps he knew how to kiss _her_ \- and he wasn't messing around.

There he was, in a collision of lips. Her guy. Prongs. James had hidden him from her for a really long time, but she'd found him out in the end.

Pulling away was a true tragedy, what with the way his arms had snaked around her waist, and hers around his neck, and how blissfully content she'd be if she could kiss him forever, but quite necessary, too. She needed to talk, face-to-face for once, and look into his eyes, all of that stuff she'd been dying to do, no matter which half of him she'd wanted, for far too long. Not kissing him when he was so perfectly made to be kissed was a harsh blow, but softened by the certainty of the rest that was to come.

 _"Wow,"_ she sighed. "That was—"

"I know," he said, in a voice she'd never heard him use before. It was cocky, almost. And quite appealing. "I'm good at that."

And if that wasn't _exactly_ what she wanted...

She dropped her forehead to his chest and laughed, the quiet kind that shook her shoulders and made no sound.

"What?" he said. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing, just—" She shook her head to demonstrate her disbelief, lifting her chin, and he gently caught her face between his hands. How very like her Prongs he was. "That's _so_ something Prongs would say—"

"Dunno if you're aware, but I _am_ Prongs, so—"

"Exactly," she said, and gently boffed his arm. "Where has he been for the last two years? You never let me meet him!"

"He's been terrified!"

"Why?"

"Because you're my sodding Kryptonite, Evans," he said, with an utterly gorgeous grin. "My brain melted out of my ears every time I saw you and I acted like a panicky arsehole, but everyone else thinks I'm dead cool and suave."

"Is that so?"

"Ask anyone, they'll tell you."

"So, what, one kiss and you've instantly recovered from two years of awkward radio silence?"

"It was a bloody brilliant kiss."

"Well — no, that's true."

"And - _and!"_ he cried, eyes wide. "You said that you loved me! You, Lily Evans, said that you loved _me!"_

"You've said you loved me _way_ more than I have—"

"But you said it more _recently—"_

"I've already beat your arse in one competition, James—"

"I handed you that victory, you'd be as lost as I was if I hadn't given you that clue—"

"You had your number displayed on your Facebook!"

"You don't even _have_ Facebook!"

"Yeah, well," she retorted, stalling, smiling, understanding - for the first time - how another person could light up a room. "Coming back to the first contest, which I won - in fact, I'd go as far as to say I destroyed you - I believe I'm owed a prize of some sort?"

"I already bought you an incredibly romantic bouquet," James replied, laughing, which made her laugh, too. "What more do you want?"

"I'd quite like a boyfriend, if you know of any available."

"Oh my god," he said, and laughed again. "Done and done, if you want me."

"Very much, thanks."

"Then I'm yours," he happily agreed. "Anything else?"

"I don't have to call you Prongs in real life, do I?"

"No, but what about the Commodore?"

"Not a chance."

"Not even once a month?"

"I'd literally rather die."

"Bit dramatic, don't you think?"

"Just a bit," she agreed, and tugged at the front of his shirt, pulling him towards her to meet his lips with her own. "And I hold you entirely to blame."

* * *

 **Text Received from:** James Potter

 **Sent to:** Lily Evans, on Sunday, 13th May 2018 at 9:35am

...

 **James Potter:** are you awake yet?  
i hope you are  
i've been awake for ages  
who could sleep on a day like this honestly  
i changed your name in my phone  
lily  
lily  
lily lily lily  
lillllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 **Lily Evans:** Lol, good morning, you silly arse.  
I was in the shower.

 **James Potter:** hi! you're here! good morning!

 **Lily Evans:** Hi!  
Where else would I be?

 **James Potter:** um how about IN MY ARMS please?

 **Lily Evans:** I was going to text you when I woke up, but I thought you might be tired after our late night.  
So I figured I'd let you sleep for a while.  
Also, yes please, your arms are lovely and I miss you.  
Do you charge an hourly rate for cuddles or do I get them for free?

 **James Potter:** have i mentioned that you're so considerate and that i don't deserve you?

 **Lily Evans:** I mean, I'm new to the girlfriend thing but I feel like being considerate is part of the job description.  
Also, cost for hugs please. I'm making up my monthly budget.

 **James Potter:** free for you always  
always always always  
also  
you know how you just called yourself my girlfriend?  
can you say it again?

 **Lily Evans:** I'm your girlfriend.

 **James Potter:** this is like twelve christmases at once holy shit  
mum says are you coming over for dinner today?  
she's dying to meet you  
she might actually kill me if you don't so please do

 **Lily Evans:** You know I'd come over with or without the possibility of your death to obligate me, right?  
Also that your mum's probably not going to kill you.

 **James Potter:** i mean, my death is always an imminent possibility  
you forgot about my cat

 **Lily Evans:** I did not.  
He's the entire basis of your appeal.

 **James Potter:** i've already accepted that algernon's going to prefer you to me  
so i guess i can take your cruelty like a man

 **Lily Evans:** Was I cruel? I'm sorry.  
Have I mentioned that I love your hair and you're the best kisser I've ever met?  
If you've collapsed into unconsciousness I can probably manage an ardent round of applause but I'm hoping my shameless thirst for you will be enough.

 **James Potter:** have i mentioned also that aside from being considerate you are also AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL?  
i still can't believe you're YOU  
you're jane  
jane is you  
and you're lily evans

 **Lily Evans:** I can't believe I was jealous of myself.  
The whole time!

 **James Potter:** that was all my fault  
i should have realised the only girl i could have loved more than you was you  
really my initial hunch that we were meant to be together was correct, which means that i've got good instincts and am possibly psychic  
i wonder if i could market that  
would you still fancy me if i became a magician?

 **Lily Evans:** Trust you to turn a declaration of love into a declaration of love for yourself.

 **James Potter:** people could call me THE MAGNIFICENT PRONGS

 **Lily Evans:** That makes you sound like a really fancy fork.  
Like, an antique fork.  
Possibly a haunted one.

 **James Potter:** i will gladly entertain you with fork-related illusions should you care to come for dinner tonight please

 **Lily Evans:** Didn't I answer that already?  
Oh, whoops, I didn't.  
Of course I'd love to come.

 **James Potter:** brilliant  
now to spend the next few hours looking up fork magic on youtube  
it only takes an afternoon to completely master a subject, right?  
wait, mum says no  
she says i can't take the forks for practice  
she says i'm an idiot  
she wants to know what bet you lost to wind up with me

 **Lily Evans:** Excuse me, you're my idiot.

 **James Potter:** your idiot

 **Lily Evans:** And I love you anyway. Tell her that if you want.

 **James Potter:** i love you too  
remind me to buy helena a tasteful gift basket  
for bringing us together

 **Lily Evans:** Skip the gift basket altogether and take an ad out in the school paper.

 **James Potter:** i could throw her a parade?

 **Lily Evans:** Or hire a skywriter.

 **James Potter:** we should definitely invite her to our wedding

 **Lily Evans:** Lol, suddenly we're getting married?

 **James Potter:** obviously we will  
in an appropriate number of years  
as i'm psychic, i've already foreseen all of this  
i won't bore you with the details  
but careless whisper = first dance

 **Lily Evans:** Well, shit.  
How can I say no to that?

* * *

 **A/N:** Stay tuned for... epilogue? Yes? Yes.


	8. Epilogue

**Author's Note:** Just a little bit of fluff and fun to say thank you for reading, again, and for all of your lovely feedback, again!

 **Epilogue**

 **Text Received from:** James Potter

 **Sent to:** Lily Evans, on Wednesday, 13th June 2018 at 10:11pm

...

 **James Potter:** am i better looking than steve?

 **Lily Evans:** What?

 **James Potter:** no really  
it keeps me up at night  
would you fancy me more if i got a baseball bat with nails in it?  
is his hair more lustrous than mine?  
does it look better in the gentle breeze?

 **Lily Evans:** I mean, what am I supposed to do with this?

 **James Potter:** answer the question lillian

 **Lily Evans:** Call me Lillian again and you can bloody well find yourself another girlfriend.

 **James Potter:** wowwwwwww  
there's no need to be so extra

 **Lily Evans:** asiogjsoidhjsd?!

 **James Potter:** that's not a language i recognise sorry

 **Lily Evans:** This is because you caught me watching that video, isn't it?

 **James Potter:** i too could be in a dominos commercial  
i choose not to debase myself

 **Lily Evans:** James, you are literally the most self-assured person I know.  
How is are you so jealous of this one person?  
I know it's not about me, either.  
This is clearly about hair.

 **James Potter:** if i was self-assured around you all the time i'd have gotten you years ago  
you'd probably be pregnant by now  
let's be honest

 **Lily Evans:** That is Big Talk for a virgin.

 **James Potter:** it can't be big talk if i never use caps  
also  
seriously is he hotter than me?  
i need to know or else i may die

 **Lily Evans:** NO.  
NO.  
NO.  
NO.  
HE ISN'T HOTTER THAN YOU.  
HE IS NOT YOUR 'NEW NEMESIS' NOW THAT YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR BEEF WITH THAT BARISTA WHO CALLED YOU JAMIE.  
SO FOR THE SAKE OF MY SANITY.  
STOP.

 **James Potter:** you seem stressed, my love  
what troubles you?

 **Lily Evans:** My boyfriend is crazy.

 **James Potter:** crazy about YOU  
ahahahaha what a smooth transition  
i bet steve can't match my unparalleled comic genius

 **Lily Evans:** May I formally request that your next crisis take place at a more reasonable time?  
Like when I'm not in bed?

 **James Potter:** oh shit i'm so sorry  
i wasn't even paying attention to the time  
i was hard at work studying and it slipped away from me

 **Lily Evans:** You were playing Rocket League with Sirius.  
He just tweeted about it.

 **James Potter:** there may have been some light rocket leaguing during my study breaks  
but then i stopped  
and then i started missing you  
*many sad violins*

 **Lily Evans:** Don't be adorable when I'm trying to remember why I was irritated with you just a minute ago.

 **James Potter:** i would tell you not to be adorable but that's physically impossible  
science tried  
but then it was like  
no  
she's too beautiful  
abort mission

 **Lily Evans:** Oh god, you're so cute and I hate it.  
How did I become so weak?

 **James Potter:** i don't know but i think we can both agree  
it had nothing whatsoever to do with steve

* * *

 **Text Received from:** Lily Evans

 **Sent to:** James Potter, on Tuesday, 31st July 2018 at 12:06pm

...

 **Lily Evans:** So my mother spoke to your mother on the phone and she says I can stay over!

 **James Potter:** omg really?

 **Lily Evans:** Yes!  
She's going to drop me off at 2!

 **James Potter:** oh my god  
i think i just died  
yeah i'm definitely dead  
revive me when you get here please

 **Lily Evans:** However.

 **James Potter:** nooooooo no however  
no howevers allowed i bought microwave popcorn

 **Lily Evans:** I'm a bit confused?

 **James Potter:** why?

 **Lily Evans:** Your mum told my mum that we'd be in separate bedrooms on opposite sides of the house.  
She also told her that we're not allowed in your room together unless the door is open and an adult is supervising.

 **James Potter:** well  
that's very responsible

 **Lily Evans:** James, I thought your parents aren't even going to be there?  
Aren't they going to Venice tonight?  
And your mum always lets us have the door closed?  
She actively encourages it.

 **James Potter:** oh yeah it's all nonsense  
but she lies responsibly  
and i think that's what really matters here

 **Lily Evans:** So it'll just be you and me for three days?

 **James Potter:** and algernon but i mean he'll give us privacy

 **Lily Evans:** What about Sirius?

 **James Potter:** pawned him off on remus and peter  
he was annoyed but agreed to it after several bribes  
and he's spending a lot of time blackdonalding so you know

 **Lily Evans:** When did BlackDonalding become the accepted term for Sirius and Mary shagging?

 **James Potter:** when they started telling us about it

 **Lily Evans:** Urgh.

 **James Potter:** gross

 **Lily Evans:** Okay, but, getting back to the important thing.  
It's just us from tonight until Friday?

 **James Potter:** yeah unless you're not comfortable with that  
in which case i can bring sirius back  
i don't mind, i promised him a lot in bribes to make him leave and i'm not sure how i'm meant to arrange his dinner party with dostoyevsky he's literally been dead since 1881

 **Lily Evans:** I'm extremely comfortable with being alone, thank you.  
Am I staying in your bed?

 **James Potter:** do you want to stay in my bed?

 **Lily Evans:** No, I was thinking of bringing my triple-lock chastity belt and catching up on sleep.  
It's not often that I get such a golden opportunity to share a bed with my extremely hot boyfriend, so I thought I'd ignore it.  
Yes, I want to stay in your bed.

 **James Potter:** only a triple-lock?  
you could at least make it hard for me

 **Lily Evans:** There's something else I'd rather make hard.

 **James Potter:** okay no wait stop  
i regret encouraging this  
i'm stuck with my parents for the next hour  
please don't get me excited  
they'll definitely laugh at me if i get an erection

 **Lily Evans:** Do you wear pyjamas to bed?  
I normally do but it's so hot out lately, and I should really take into account the additional body heat from sharing with you.  
Perhaps I should sleep completely naked.

 **James Potter:** that's so interesting tell me more about these pyjamas  
are they 100% cotton or a cotton blend or what?  
how snuggly are they?  
are they machine washable?  
where did you buy them from?  
do you have a onesie?  
oh god  
now i'm thinking about you in pyjamas

 **Lily Evans:** Well that's fine, right? Just pyjamas.

 **James Potter:** no lily  
YOU in pyjamas

 **Lily Evans:** Oh dear.  
You've got one right now, haven't you?

 **James Potter:** yupppppp  
tried hiding it with the cat  
do NOT recommend

* * *

 **Text Received from:** James Potter

 **Sent to:** Lily Evans, on Thursday, 23rd August 2018 at 11:36pm

...

 **James Potter:** good morning i love you

 **Lily Evans:** Good morning 3  
I love you too!

 **James Potter:** so i bought you a present  
it's a surprise  
i'm not telling you what it is  
i can't wait to see your face when you open it  
i am dead good at surprises

 **Lily Evans:** I can't handle how sweet you are.  
Why did you get me a present?  
You know you don't have to spend money on me, right? I'm perfectly happy as is.

 **James Potter:** you must have missed the 'good morning i love you' i sent not minutes ago  
see that for explanation  
it's a photo printer  
a little one  
to print photos from your phone like for example photos of us together that we can use to create a COLLAGE OF LOVE

 **Lily Evans:** Wait what?  
That sounds amazing!?  
But far too expensive what on earth you silly thing?  
I love you so much.  
Also, I thought it was meant to be a surprise?

 **James Potter:** i cracked under questioning

 **Lily Evans:** I didn't question you.

 **James Potter:** okay but you know that your beautiful face compels me to tell you everything  
really i think that's part of the reason why i'm such a great boyfriend  
i can't keep secrets from you

 **Lily Evans:** Except for the two-year obsession.  
That, you could keep to yourself.

 **James Potter:** that was different i was afraid of rejection  
nobody would reject a photo printer

 **Lily Evans:** Don't you think that you would have been more assured of how I felt if you'd spoken to me once in a while?  
Because I promise you, I wasn't subtle.

 **James Potter:** don't you think i would have been more inclined to talk to you if you'd ever grabbed my ass in the corridor lily?  
but you didn't and look what happened

 **Lily Evans:** I distinctly remember asking to see your arse in the cinema.

 **James Potter:** while you were on a date with mcnamee!

 **Lily Evans:** Because I was trying to get over you!  
Need I remind you that I have never, not once, hit on another guy while on a date with you.

 **James Potter:** why would you when you've got the goods right here?  
also you should have asked to see my arse in a more private location  
the cinema is not the place for sexy antics

 **Lily Evans:** Okay, well, you're a liar if that's what you're claiming.  
What was the plot to Captive State?

 **James Potter:** wtf is captive state?

 **Lily Evans:** Captive State is the film we went to see on Saturday.  
Remember Saturday? Five days ago?  
What happened in the film?  
Hmm?

 **James Potter:** ...

 **Lily Evans:** It's not a trick question.

 **James Potter:** yes it is, we never saw that movie

 **Lily Evans:** We absolutely went to see that movie, James.  
I still have the tickets and email confirmation of purchase, which I am more than happy to send to you right this minute.

 **James Potter:** have you ever considered  
that i might have amnesia

 **Lily Evans:** No.

 **James Potter:** based on what medical research have you discarded this very probable theory?

 **Lily Evans:** I'm going to tell Algernon that you lied.

 **James Potter:** no he'll hurt me!

 **Lily Evans:** What happened in the film, James?

 **James Potter:** can't remember

 **Lily Evans:** Why can't you remember, James?

 **James Potter:** because i wasn't watching

 **Lily Evans:** And what, James, were you doing instead of watching?

 **James Potter:** ... sexy antics

 **Lily Evans:** Thank you!  
I knew we'd get there eventually.

 **James Potter:** so what did happen in the movie?

 **Lily Evans:** Not a fucking clue.

* * *

 **Group Text:** Lily Evans, Euphemia Potter, James Potter

 **Created by:** Euphemia Potter, on Sunday, 16th September 2018 at 3:21pm

...

 **Euphemia Potter:** Lily, sweetheart, I think I accidentally left something in your overnight bag when I was packing sandwiches inside it this morning. Can you please take a look when you get a moment?

 **Lily Evans:** Sure, I'll have a look now.  
Okay, so I assume it's this condom packet with James's face on it?

 **Euphemia Potter:** Ah, yes. That's the one. Hang on to it for me, will you?

 **James Potter:** mother what the fuck?!

 **Lily Evans:** Thanks I hate it.

 **Euphemia Potter:** You will use capital letters when you address me, James.

 **James Potter:** mOthER wHaT THe FuCK?!

 **Euphemia Potter:** Consider it your punishment for neglecting to take out the rubbish.

 **James Potter:** I was GOING to do that?  
also joke's on you lily loves my face

 **Lily Evans:** Not when it's splashed all over my contraception.

 **James Potter:** lily nooooooooooooooooo

 **Euphemia Potter:** I'm simply doing my duty as you mother. If you two must have sex I'd rather you do it in the house, and safely, not in a car like Sirius and that friend of yours, Lily. I can't handle seeing my son arrested for public indecency instead of something worthwhile, like murder.

 **James Potter:** lily and i would NEVER have sex at all  
let alone in the house  
what are you talking about

 **Euphemia Potter:** What am I supposed to believe you're doing up there? Playing hopscotch?

 **Lily Evans:** Hahaha.  
Twister, maybe.

 **James Potter:** lily my belovedest  
do NOT encourage the woman

 **Lily Evans:** James, my love.  
What am I supposed to do?  
Lie to your mother?  
That's hardly the kind of mother-and-daughter-in-law relationship you want to encourage.

 **Euphemia Potter:** James, I've already caught you at it once. Lock your door and we'll have no problems.

 **James Potter:** you said locking doors was a fire hazard

 **Euphemia Potter:** Your naked backside has convinced me that I'd rather let you burn to death.

 **Lily Evans:** It does make for a rather jarring sight.

 **James Potter:** jarring?  
excuse me?  
this is a severe betrayal?

 **Lily Evans:** Hahaha.

 **Euphemia Potter:** Hahaha.

 **James Potter:** i liked it better when you two didn't know each other


End file.
